Jesus said to a scholar: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17
Is his primary concern physical health? No, but, as he says, to call out to people caught in guilt.
What He did on the cross is centered on restoring relationship and delivering from guilt.
Don't feel like reading? Watch the video here!
Health for sick relationships
So when Jesus says that he came for the sick, his advice and commandments are also helpful for the sick to heal their hearts. And they also apply to those who consider themselves healthy. When he says, "You are my disciples if you keep my commandments," it applies to everyone.
Luke 6:46 But why do you call me, Lord, Lord, and do not what I say? 47 Anyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them - I will show you what he is like...)
A doctor works like this:
1. He prescribes a drug that is supposed to lead to healing
With Jesus, this is his wonderful Holy Spirit, which always achieves its goal when I “take” it
2. Then he gives advice on how to take and how to live to get healthy.
These are the teachings of Jesus. Jesus said very clearly: if you implement what I teach, then I am really your doctor and your teacher. Otherwise you're just pretending I'm your doctor.
3. Thirdly, he refers to any specialists who can provide support.
With Jesus this is his community, the other Christians who are with you on the way. Some have grown more and will help you, others you can help. But what they all need to have in common is this: they want to grow, they want to change and they want to give Jesus more space in their lives and actions.
Annoying Christians?
If it bothers you that Christians "want to change you," then you don't understand what the point is: They want to change themselves as well.
(However, there is the broken form of Christians. They are really only concerned with changing others and they completely close themselves off from God. You can recognize them by their fruits and sort them out of the category "Christian".-> see quote from Jesus above Lk.6:46)
So look at it this way: If you have behaviors that actually destroy others or yourself, it's worth changing. And that is really the task of every Christian: Jesus commandmentsto take seriously and focus on it.
And then comes the most important step, without which everything will just fail: His Holy Spiritto take seriously, who works the miracle in me that I can actually be changed.
Interested in a 3-part course where you can grow in truly trusting God more and more? Watch my three videos on this topic alone or with friends, a home group or similar.
what harms your relationship A great destroyer is judgment. He's your enemy when it comes to forgiving your partner (or anyone around you). Get started today and free yourself from the burden of being critical of your partner.
1. Don't judge your partner for not being perfect (for you). Neither are you.
Lovers are only too good at this: ignoring each other's weaknesses... sometimes against all reason. Relationship researcher John Gottman describes contempt as the absolute destroyer of love. When he observes contempt in a marriage, he doesn't give the relationship much hope.
If feelings of contempt were a plant, then condemnation or judging is its root. For most roots, cutting off the leaves is of little use. Then new ones grow. The root has to come out.
Judging is easy: You see your partner's weaknesses and don't understand them.
"I just can't understand why you're like that. I wouldn't be as stupid as you if I were you. And you have no excuse for being like this.” That, I would say, is the essence of judging someone.
With understanding you would say: “That is a problem in you. But I love you anyway."
This is why judgment is so destructive: the more you criticize your partner without understanding, the more you will only see the bad and what he or she is doing wrong.
If you plan to destroy your marriage, do it with judgment! Judgment has a 100% success guarantee. Judgment kills any feeling of love you have for your partner; and in time his love for you will die too.
New thinking – a project for you (and your partner)
But change is possible. The solution, however, is not to simply stop saying anything critical. It's more about your thinking. Take some time today to think about what you criticize about your partner.
And this time, take a critical look at yourself! Are you perfect that you have the right to judge your partner? If your answer is "yes," then it's actually "no." Because a "perfect" person knows that they are not perfect and do not have the right to judge those around them. 😉
And then take your inner compass and turn from "I judge my partner" to "I don't want to judge my partner anymore". Change happens in small steps. Your inner attitude, what you believe to be true deep down in your heart, is the decisive factor.
Because with this new inner attitude, a whole new liberation and relaxation comes into your thinking. Your partner's mistakes are then no longer threatening. But to have that perspective I need God.
That's why it's so important for me to invite God into these deep thoughts, so that he causes in me what only he can do: that my heart changes. I can only change my alignment, but he frees my heart.
Start today, and then again tomorrow. Don't give up because with God by your side you will become free and over time it will rub off on your partner too.
trust god? My last blog was about the question of whether God deserves your trust at all: How does he want to work in your life? Is God Really Good? This blog is about: How do you deal with negative thoughts? What can you change in your thinking to become free? And how do you learn to relax with God so that you really feel what you believe: that God's love drives away the panic, fear and heaviness in you.
expose lying thoughts
Have you discovered lies that keep you from trusting God? Remember, there are reasons to be suspicious. God is not disappointed that you do not trust him. He never had the wrong idea of who you are and what you think.
But he absolutely wants to rid you of the lying thoughts that keep you from trusting. With Adam and Eve the lie was: “God is greedy and greedy for power. Therefore he forbids us the fruits that bring knowledge.” They believed the lie, and that lie caused suspicion in their hearts. Distrust was just like the pus from a wound, the lie was the splinter.
Getting rid of pus and leaving the sprout in has never been a good idea. Wondering about the pus is stupid. Bitching about someone's pus is even more stupid.
The splinter has to come out, then the wound will heal.
The lie has to come out, then your heart can finally trust God more and more
Find these lies with God's help and make a trade with him.
3 C's: catch, cancel, change
The other day I was listening to a podcast by Holly Bray where she talked about the 3 C's. It was about dealing with negative thoughts. In English, these stood for Catch - Cancel - Change (catch - cancel - change).
That reminded me a lot of 2 Cor 10:3-5. At this point, Paul is dealing with people who have spread lies among Christians about him and their faith in Jesus. In his argument he writes about how he fights against the spread of these lies by the people:
“We may live in this world, but that doesn't mean that we fight as the world fights. 4 The weapons with which we fight our battle are not the weapons of this world. They are weapons from resounding powerwho serve, in service for God hostile forts to destroy. Bring with these weapons we arbitrary thought building to collapse 5 and (we) tear every obstacle, no matter how high, that stands in the way of true knowledge of God. All that selfish thinking we capture, that it may become obedient to Christ.”
His argument at this point was probably with other people. But I notice that this struggle, as he describes it, also takes place in my thinking almost daily:
In my head, too, little men sometimes run around and spread their thoughts about God and the world, about me and my mistakes, etc. Thoughts just come like that. And after the thought has been there for a while, it causes the corresponding feelings as well.
This can make everyday life very tiring. Because negative thoughts create negative feelings. But there are really helpful truths that can help you manage your thoughts and feelings better.
destructive lies = fear and despair vs. God's thoughts = peace and hope
The ideas can be divided into two groups:
There are thoughts that come from God's heart and correspond to his nature. We humans generally refer to these thoughts as positive thoughts.
This is how Christians and non-Christians perceive it: “You are loved and valuable, nice that you exist, don’t give up, you are great, I have forgiven you, a new beginning is possible today, look around: you see, how beautiful the world is?..."
And then there are thoughts that already feel like darkness and confusion: "What are you even on this earth for? Who's gonna miss you? You are an ugly person. you'll never make it Why keep fighting? That's no use anyway. Nothing will ever change – except for the worse.” These thoughts are squarely opposed to God's mind and heart, and are actively fighting the faith in your heart.
Trust God: He addresses difficult issues with love
Is there nothing then that God will ever criticize about you? Yes, it is really important that God corrects you and me and that I am also open to correction. Otherwise it's doom for you and me.
But when the Holy Spirit works change in you, He does it with His Peace and His Love working together. But first you have to believe that it's okay if you make mistakes.
Do you believe deep in your heart that it's terrible when you make a mistake? Then it also feels terrible to admit your mistakes in front of you, God and other people.
The first step to freedom is this: identify the bad thought in your heart.
As I said, you will not find bad fruit on a good tree and nothing good will grow on a bad tree.
God's power is at work in you and wants to help you to break through destructive thought fortresses, buildings and obstacles, to bring them down and tear them down.
Are you struggling with smug ("I'm so great!") or self-defeating ("Why am I not so great?!") thoughts? You can "catch" them through Jesus and subordinate them to Jesus: He is the highest and most worthy person - and still your servant. There's not much room for pride.
HOW TO TRUST AND HOW NOT TO
So now you've discovered thoughts that keep you from trusting. What can you do?
If you have found sentences in yourself that make trust difficult, you have found in these sentences at the same time what youbelieve. Because the thought in you that God z. B. asking you to be perfect is your true belief.
Your deepest thoughts are your true beliefs. If someone asks you what you believe in, share your deepest thoughts with them.
If you were extremely uncomfortable because they didn't agree at all with what your beliefs actually are, you can be happy: you've finally found the splinter!
Fake relax
Imagine sitting in a chair and saying, "This chair is amazing! There is no one better or more stable.” But in reality you think this chair is too rickety to support your weight for more than two minutes.
by Mike Bird from Pexels
Therefore, you will not put your weight on the chair, you will just pretend to be sitting. How cozy would that be? You can proclaim with faith all you want, “I'm so glad to have this chair in my life. Life would be so exhausting without this chair. I could never really rest.”
After two minutes at the most, people around you would probably notice your muscles starting to tremble. And after five minutes, even the last person would have noticed that you don't look relaxed at all and this chair of yours doesn't even remotely live up to its promises.
God wants to be your favorite chair
God is like this chair. And he really doesn't enjoy it if you are living a life where you just pretend to be leaning on him. He wants to carry you with all your burdens.
Do you know this verse: "Without faith it is impossible to please God" (Hebrews 11:6). Why is it that without faith you cannot please God? Precisely because God wants to be your chair on which you can throw your whole life weight.
If a chair had thoughts, it might not like it at all if a person never really sat down, but rather half-standing. That also looks silly. A chair is designed to carry you.
God has a purpose for you too themselves determined who he wants to be for you. He wants to be your shepherd, your water, your food, your strength, your father, your lover, your provider, your king, your boss, your prince of peace, your hope and your source of life.
What is left for you to do? Lean on him with all your life, burdens, failures and sin and accept who he is.
Trust in theory
You alone decide whether you trust theoretically or practically. You can trust God all your life like a person who never really sits down in the chair.
Let me tell you: this is going to be a terribly exhausting life. Maybe your faith is just as exhausting? Then have the courage: sit down, get to know God better. God invites you to trust because he will really carry you and is actually good.
By Allec Gomes from Pexels
Every thought that comes to your mind that suggests you don't trust is answered by you every time, very often with a "Yes, that's right". Your thoughts only change when you give these thoughts a different answer inwardly:
"I made a mistake! But I have to do everything right!” – “No, I live by his grace. He is so faithful and has forgiven my debt. He makes me new!”
“Even God can no longer change anything. It is too late.” – “No, what is impossible with man is possible with God.”
"My heart just cannot believe." - No, for no word that comes from God will be of no power" (Luke 1:37).
trust god
Where do you trust God only theoretically? Did you become aware of new things? Write things down and bring them to God. Ask him to help you and see the truth. He helps!
What are your inner sentences like? Continue your list and find the answer to your doubts in the Bible. And then decide to accept what God says as truth.
In the end it remains that: your decision. He gave you strength and his truth. Do you trust in its power and truth? Then pretend today that you believe it.
Nothing is more worthwhile than saying goodbye to a life in which you theoretically trust God - and finding your way to a life in which you can let your whole weight fall on God because you know for sure: He takes care of you ! (1 Peter 5:7).
Question to God: Show me where I only trust you theoretically... what have you become aware of?
Does God carry you? Fakeing trust and how it affects you
How is it actually to trust God? So many Christians walk through their lives with God, but rarely experience His peace or the power He has promised for those who walk with Him. How can this happen? And above all: What has to happen so that you and I can experience more of God and what he wants to give us?
Imagine sitting in a chair and saying, "This chair is amazing! There is no better or more stable chair in the world.” But in reality you think this chair is too fragile to support your weight for more than two minutes. This will result in you never putting your weight fully on the chair, just pretending to sit. How cozy would that be? It doesn't matter how much you proclaim with "faith": “I am so glad to have this chair in my life. Life would be so exhausting without this chair. I could never really rest.”
After two minutes at the most, people around you would probably notice your muscles starting to tremble. And after five minutes, even the last person would have noticed that you don't look relaxed at all and this chair of yours doesn't even remotely live up to its promises.
May God carry you?
God is like this chair. And he really doesn't enjoy it if you are living a life where you just pretend to be leaning on him. He wants to carry you with all your burdens.
Do you know this verse: "Without faith it is impossible to please God" (Hebrews 11:6). Why is it that without faith you cannot please God? Well, exactly because of this fact: God wants to be like a chair for you on which you can throw yourself along with your whole weight of life too. If a chair had thoughts, it might not like it at all if a person never really sat down, but stayed in a half-standing position. Besides it looks really silly. A chair is designed to carry you. Thats its purpose.
God also has definded a purpose for himself, who he wants to be for you. He wants to be your shepherd, your water, your food, your strength, your father, your lover, your provider, your king, your boss, your prince of peace, your hope and your source of life.
What is left for you to do? Lean on him with all your life, burdens, failures and sin and accept who he is.
Feeling depressed in '22? What can you do until the therapist has time? Find out which 6 lifestyle habits won't help and what you can do instead!
What can YOU do?
2022 seems like a bad year to deal with depressed feelings. The waiting lists are so long that even the news reports about it. What should you do while you are stuck in this desperate situation and need help, but you're not getting it (yet)? The good news is: you don't just have to sit there waiting. There are things you can do. And things you can stop doing. I would like to show you 6 life habits that do not help with feelings of depression.
If you manage to get rid of just one of these 6 habits this month, that would be a first step in bringing relief to your heart. Because that's what your heart desperately longs for: relief.
God your therapist?
Don't be surprised, however, if God somehow appears in almost every point. He created your heart and therefore he knows best what makes you sick. So you could call him the best of all therapists.
Not only did he make you, he also loves you extremely and wants to have a relationship with you. While you might feel like a dried up garden, he desires to fill your heart with life and new growth.
By Pexels–2286921 from Pixabay
Is the topic affecting you right now and are you suffering from depressive feelings, but haven't gotten any help yet? Or are you just looking for answers by yourself?
Then join me to think about which 6 life habits make you actually worse and which opposite habits on the other hand will bring you relief.
Finding hope
I'm not a psychologist and I certainly don't want to pretend that I know exactly why you're suffering on the inside. Also, I don't want to tell you that you simply have to avoid these lifestyle habits to get healed from depression.
But I am convinced that it makes sense, especially in desperate situations, to think about God's thoughts on us humans. He has personally given me such good advice on so many occasions that carried me through good times and bad.
Maybe this can be more like a conversation between friends or siblings. I would so love for you to get better. So, make yourself a nice cup of tea and sit down with me to think about how your heart can be relieved even just a little.
Because every small positive change is better than no Change at all!
Detox your heart!
I recently read a book about how to detoxify your liver. Because some physical complaints can be improved in this way. The liver is the body's main detoxification organ. It has an important job, but we pay very little attention to it these days.
Another organ that isn't quite organic is your "heart." So not your heart organ with all the blood in it, but your heart, which is also called soul or spirit.
I don't know how you grew up and how much attention your heart got or gets. But just like the liver, your heart is the "organ" responsible for detoxification. Your heart absorbs all the stimuli of your inner and outer world and tries to process them.
When the liver is overloaded with poison, the liver fails and the human becomes incredibly ill. What happens to your heart when it is overloaded with poison?
What poisons your heart?
Unfortunately, there is no blood test that can determine what exactly is poisoning your or my heart. But there is wisdom for that. This is what psychology itself is based on: recognizing through observation and wise conclusions what is making the human psyche ill.
Wisdom is also a big theme in the Bible. God, as he introduces himself through the Bible, has many suggestions on how you can live your life wisely and well. And if you live your life according to his values of love and honor it often lead to a (sometimes slow) improvement of the situation. And if not the situation, then at least your heart.
So question these points and think about what makes sense in your case. It's not a "do this and I guarantee" kind of thing. But it's an invitation to take baby steps out of the fog.
Where does your poison come from?
When I have a physical problem, it obviously helps to understand where the pain is coming from. Then I can better assess the problem and consider how to react.
The same is true with the heart: It helps to recognize what could be responsible for the poisoning. For example, the cause may be how others treat you; or an overwhelming everyday life. Maybe you find yourself in a stressful extreme situation.
But whether your heart copes well or poorly with these challenges has a lot to do with how you dealwith the poison. How do you, when others treat you badly or problems come your way?
How do you feel about yourself when you fail and don't live up to your expectations? Can you enjoy your reflection in the mirror or can't you even bear it? Extreme burdens can come into your life from not admiting guilt or a refusal to forgive.
It is very important how your heart deals with the influences of your environment. Take a minute to think if you know immediately from which area your stress is coming from. You can also check several boxes.
Depressed feelings? So here are the 6 lifestyle habits that don’t help:
But now to the question: what really does not help when your heart suffers from poisoning and you are struggling with depressive feelings?
1 - don't spend time with your designer!
That just has to be the first point. Because it has the biggest influence, although it might seem so irrelevant. Maybe you're not "believing" in God at all? I'm convinced you definitely believe in something. At least you are believing that there is no God. Whether you believe in him or not yet. It's definitely a big mistake not to spend time with him. ;-) Nobody knows you better than him.
He has been looking for you for a long time and is waiting for moments of your attention. Not because he's so lonely and poor, but because he's so strong and passionate.
I don't know anyone who encourages me like he does. Granted, he's often a silent friend, but what a friend he is!
Sit down with him once or twice a day for a cup of tea instead of going through everyday life without him.
Imagine his friendship through pictures: He is like a river that flows around you with peace. When you're in the flow of his love you can't help but get wet.
He is like a tree, you are like the fruit. Connect with the tree and its life force will flow into you.
It's like the water you drink. Without water, you'll get headaches and then worse. Without God your soul dries up. You often just don't realize that you miss him. He wants to fill you with his life and power. You just have to open up to him and be patient.
But if you really don't want him in your life, that path remains closed.
Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels
2 - wait until the next vacation to recharge!
It's a mistake to think that you can once a year catch up on the peace and recharging that you've missed out on every day! Every day is incredibly important to keeping your heart healthy or experiencing improvement.
So don't wait until the weekend or your next vacation. Structure your day with breaks. Maybe an emotionally fit person needs fewer breaks than you do now. But if you're not feeling well, it's not only okay, it's absolutely essential that you treat yourself kindly and compassionately.
Do you secretly wish that someone would come up to you and say, "Sit down, take a break and I'll do this for you," but that person never comes? Then you be this person for yourself!
fail to plan - plan to fail
Start today to slowly rid yourself off excessive performance demands. Do you think it is impossibleto schedule a break in your everyday life? Then change something in your daily routine. You can certainly not determine everything in your everyday life, but your 24 hours of life today are still yours. Yes, there are elements that can't be removed, but there are definitely also flexible ones. Start planning your days consciously. If you don't plan, your time will be planned for you. If you can't do this on your own, ask someone for help. It's so worth it.
3 - fill your breaks with garbage like scrolling on Facebook, Instagram, news, messages and Co.!
If you take breaks, maybe even long ones, it's a very bad idea to fill them completely with garbage. Music with bad or meaningless lyrics can be nice. But it can also drag you down or at least not lift you up.
what is stopping you from drinking a cup of tea with God today and experiencing his love?
Find music that encourages you. My first tip would be music from prayer houses, e.g. ihop, maveric city music, prayer house augsburg,...
my playlist for my time with God
If your heart feels healthy, chances are you'll just listen to the music you like. But if your heart is burdened, treat yourself to lyrics that will lift you up. God gives us so much encouragement, and it is precisely this encouragement that is expressed in songs that people write with and for God.
News can be like an infusion of poison. Reduce this input radically . Watching the news once a week is more than enough. You cannot save the world by knowing about all the problems. But you can save your world if you don't suck up the world's troubles.
Is your life the worlds dumpsite?
You're not letting everyone deliver their garbage to your property! The same must be true of your heart and mind! The burden of the world is far too much for your heart which is your internal property.
Therefore, fill your free time with good things that calm your heart - for example with nature, plants, sports, friends, but that can also mean watching a film together or alone. At a time when I was very exhausted and just surviving the day, watching an episode or two with my husband in the evening was just what I needed. I just had no energy for conversation or activities. ... what is good for you and what is not? Listen to your heart.
By Mabel Amber from PixabayBy Elias Strale from PexelsBy corelens
4 - don't accept your human limitations!
When I mix concrete with my hand mixer, I don't have to wait long for it to break. But you as a person and you specifically, with your name and your story, have your limitations and can't do everything.
Do you love yourself even though you have these limitations? God loves you with your limitations. Live within your boundaries. You are wonderfully made and must not only grudgingly accept your limitations but celebrate them. You are well made even if you are weaker than others.
It also helps your stress level to accept the limits of your fellow human beings. It's ok if your husband doesn't do everything perfectly. He's also only human and different from you. I have to learn this again and again: my husband is just often tired. When the kids were younger, it was harder for him to get his sleep. But even now I have to make a conscious decision: I want to give him the rest he needs. Getting angry about it brings stress – not only to him but to me as well. You can ask him how well I can do it... Well, we are all in a process 🙂 In order for it to work better, of course I also have to give myself the rest I need.
5 - see everything and everyone critically. Forgive yourself and others no mistakes!
If you want to build yourself a prison, then see everything critically and do not forgive others. Only you can release yourself from this prison. God encourages you very seriously:
"Don't stay in this prison! Change how you think. Otherwise it won't end well." Today can be the day you slowly change your thinking.
If you would start walking bent down all the time, your flexor muscles would start to shorten; your extensors, which bring the body into the upright position, would start to weaken (to put it simply). It takes a lot of practice and training to bring you back to the upright position. And the more time you let pass, the harder it gets.
Apply the picture to critical thinking and the refusal to forgive: This attitude to life means that you only go through life bent over and can no longer live upright.
By fauxels
It takes practice to get out of this position. At first it might hurt and be very tiring. But it's not impossible. However, the longer you stay in this position, the more difficult it becomes.
Therefore, avoid talking bad or critical about yourself, others or situations as much as you can. Be kind to yourself and others. Ask God for help. He can and wants to!
6 – be ungrateful!
Maybe there isn't much reason to be thankful in your life. Then I'm very sorry. It's not nice when your life is filled with a lot of suffering and sad experiences.
But look at gratitude as something that makes beautiful things become visible again. Bad experiences cause the things that are still good in life to disappear from your vision. This is how darkness wins: first bad things come in your life and then the good thiings disappear from your sight.
Look around you today and try to thank God again and again for something you take for granted. The fresh morning air, the sunset, a baby... I think it's important to say thank you to God. After all, that's where the joy comes from.
If my children say thank you for something I have done or given them, adressing the atmosphere instead of me, what is the value of this thank you? Do I rejoice in their joy? Do my children enjoy my happiness?
Thanking has a lot to do with relationship with your God. And joy comes from the relationship, not from just thanking. Because if you start thanking him, God will start being able to show you more and more beautiful things that he has prepared for you, even though your life is difficult right now. He's just waiting.
Depressed feelings? These 6 lifestyle habits will help!
These were the 6 habits that definitely make your life harder and don't help with feelings of depression. To put it all positively, here it is again vice versa. These 6 lifestyle habits maybe won't cure you, but they can hopefully help you feeling less depressed:
Spend time with God every day. It is as important for your heart to be with him, as it is for your body that you drink and eat.
Set up times of recovery and peace in your everyday life. Start today. If that does not work, change something! Don't make excuses that you can't change anything.
Fill your breaks with meaningfull and hopefilled music, less social media, news and meaningless rubbish. You're not letting the world around you dump their garbage in your yard! The same must be true for your heart and mind!
Accept your limitations as a human - God created you really good - but limited. You don't have to be able to do everything and you don't have to be perfect. And you don't have as good, strong or amazing as ... (enter a name that pops in your head;-) )
Forgive yourself and others. Instead of thinking critically, practice having kind thoughts about yourself and others.
Be thankful to God. If you start doing that, God can show you more and more beautiful things that you couldn't see anymore. He's really good at it.
by towfiqu barbhuiya
Which of these 6 habits do you think you should start working on? Is there one habit that you would like to hear more about? Just dm me on Instagram or write me an email!
Okay, that's a steep claim: A happier marriage in just 7 days. A week whizzes by in fast motion as I feel like I'm moving in slo-mo. So what can I get done in a week? ...let alone change!?
One week - little amount of time, but an incredible amount can change in just seven days. Every day has potential for something new: good and bad. And let's be honest: it only takes a couple of minutes to end up in a masiv argument...
So: nothing will be perfect in a week (not even in a century). But seven days can become seven steps that can make your relationship a bit happier.
Your "I" from the past can help you to rediscover something: How did you manage to fall in love with your partner in the first place?
At the Registry office
At our civil wedding in 2004, the registrar expressed such a stupid wish for us that it stuck with me: "I hope that your marriage will be like a walk on a beach where the sun always shines and that there'll never be a stormy day .” I don't remember anything else from the speech, apart from this wish.
Utopia is more realistic than that wish! If that were my expectation of my marriage, I wouldn't have had to wait long for the first thunderstorm. And the shock of this thunderstorm is greater, the more exaggerated the expectations towards my relationship are.
Maybe that's the reason why you're asking yourself whether it makes (or made) any sense to get married at all, if sooner or later it's going to break anyway and everything's screwed up?
That's why I want to tell you today: your marriage is much tougher than you might think. A lot can be healed again without your relationship having to break up. And there are some things you can do to make your marriage or relationship weatherproof.
Poorly or poorly maintained?
If you think of your relationship as poorly, it's usually more accurate to say, "My marriage is poorly maintained' - poorly maintained by you, your partner, or both of you. This difference is really important. After all, simply “making your relationship good” in an unhappy marriage might seem difficult. But to take better care of a poorly maintained relationship is something everyone can do! And that has an effect.
The headline deliberately says "happier". The word "happy" is way too static, as if there is one condition a in this world that describes a happy relationship. But the happiest marriage suddenly becomes sad when one or both partners make decisions that hurt the relationship. And a poor marriage can suddenly feel happier when one or both make positive changes.
Happy Relationship: Invest in 7 Steps in the Right Direction!
These following 7 points are like a compass for me in my marriage. When things get a little difficult between my husband and me, I think, alright, which area of our relationship is being neglected right now? And then I or we refocus. Because like with a compass, simply the rough direction has to be right. Staying 100% on course would be terribly tedious and an unnecessary waste of energy. Our relationships are not that delicate.
Photo by Bakr Magrabi on Pexels.com
7 Things You Can Learn From Your Former Loved One
I hope that these seven tips can also help you and your relationship. Are 7 points too much for you? No problem! The former "you" that once was in love knows how to do it! Just remember: what were you like when you fell in love with your partner? One who is madly in love knows how "love" works. Being in love seems like a tutorial from God programmed into our DNA: "Loving for Dummies!", as if he says: "Now I'll show you how it works with love, and then you can carry on yourself". A starter set for loving, so to speak.
7 tips for staying in love:
1. Don't judge your partner for not being perfect (for you). Neither are you.
Lovers are only too good at this: ignoring each other's weaknesses... sometimes against all reason. Relationship researcher John Gottman describes contempt as the absolute destroyer of love. When he observes contempt in a marriage, he doesn't give the relationship much hope.
If feelings of contempt were a plant, then condemnation or judging is its root. For most roots, cutting off the leaves is of little use. Then new ones grow. The root has to come out.
Judging is easy: You see your partner's weaknesses and don't understand them.
"I just can't understand why you're like that. I wouldn't be as stupid as you if I were you. And you have no excuse for being like this.” That, I would say, is the essence of judging someone.
With understanding you would say: “That is a problem in you. But I love you anyway."
This is why judgment is so destructive: the more you criticize your partner without understanding, the more you will only see the bad and what he or she is doing wrong.
By Wendelin Jacober from Pexels
If you plan to destroy your marriage, do it with judgment! Judgment has a 100% success guarantee. Judgment kills any feeling of love you have for your partner; and in time his love for you will die too.
But change is possible. The solution, however, is not to simply stop saying anything critical. It's more about your thinking. Take some time today to think about what you criticize about your partner.
And this time, take a critical look at yourself! Are you perfect that you have the right to judge your partner? If your answer is "yes," then it's actually "no." Because a "perfect" 😉 person knows that they are not perfect and do not have the right to judge the people around them.
And then take your inner compass and turn from "I judge my partner" to "I don't want to judge my partner anymore".
2. Talks about everything
Don't judge, but still talk. Without taboos. But the basic attitude is important: "We don't fight each other", but: "We fight side by side against our problem!" I find the muzzle for conversations quite exhausting. Don't say: "...", but say it like this: "...". In conversations with my husband (or even with good friends), I don't want to constantly pay attention to every word I say, so that I don't say anything wrong.
The basic setting in your heart is the key. You can say everything correctly with this "mr.-perfect-language" and have a crappy inner attitude. So you are unassailable, because you didn't say anything wrong. But that doesn't get anyone anywhere. We need honest conversations.
Show your heart and be honest - also to yourself. But with a huge portion of mercy for the other - and also for yourself... without judgment, but with a heart that wants to find a good solution for both of you. Because it's not about you just getting your will. You will be happy if you and your partner are happy with the outcome of a conversation.
Conversations with my husband are at their best when I'm no longer angry. When I had time to think a bit and figure out what the or my problem is. Of course, that doesn't always work. But it makes sense to get comfortabe while we argue. Why not have a glass of wine or a cup of tea or coffee while you're at it? Life is too short to argue without celebrating. 😉
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3. Have purposeless time together
Lovers know one thing to do: spend as much time as possible with each other. At all (im)possible times. Like running a WhatsApp call through the night while you sleep. Back then you knew what was important to get closer and get to know each other.
Then life happens. And there is a great danger of forgetting:
It is still important to spend enough free time together, to stay close to each other and not forget who the other is. You need time to still know each other come next month.
And the time in which you organize, tidy up, work, solve problems... doesn't count.
When you book an expensive vacation where you end up having to non stop work in the hotel kitchen, you feel screwed. The love between you also feels screwed when the time it takes for your love to stay alive is filled with only stress and work.
Learn from your former "you" that was in love . Within yourself lies the guide to staying happy and in love.
Sometimes free time is difficult to find or sometimes even impossible. Of course that's okay. But if "no time" becomes the new way of living, your marriage might suffer. If your marriage is a ship, then its harbour is free time spent together.
It doesn't end well when a ship just keeps sailing on without time for repairs. The sentence "It just wasn't possible to spend free time together" has a bitter echo when you have to watch the ship sink into the depths of the ocean. But the good thing is: the port is only one decision away.
Haven't you had a relaxing time together for a long time? Get started this week! In the beginning it probably doesn't feel very relaxed. But over time it gets nicer. Just don't give up. My husband and me consider one or two evenings a week (or a few hours during the day if evenings are not possible) to be the minimum.
4. Love humor - avoid cynicism
By Mikhail Nilov from Pexels
Humor is a divine superpower. Maybe I'm a bit biased as I love humor and have an extremely humorous husband (now also two sometimes overly humorous teenagers...). But humor is like medicine to take life easier. There is so much difficulty in the world and in one's own life. But humor makes things so much easier.
Humor is a person's attitude who rises above his problems like a warrior and still laughs.
The opposite is persistent "dead seriousness" or cynical remarks about each other's weaknesses. A warrior's attitude is what enables you to stand up and change your situation. Nevertheless, I can't just laugh easily when it tears me apart inside.
Personally, the only way I can do it is: I invite God into the situation that is bothering me. When I make room for God in my mind, it's like He's saying, “Hey, it's not that bad. I'll make things better!"
This phrase above your marriage has a lot of power; especially when you hear it from God's mouth. Then, little by little, the seriousness of a bad argument dissolves and you can still laugh.
Maybe you know other ways. But it is logical to turn to God. He is the inventor of beautiful, liberating humor.
5. Be honest
Honesty is such a thing. I wish the seller would be honest with me. My partner and my children should also be honest with me. But when push comes to shove, one thing applies: I treat myself to a little white lie every now and then. Does that apply to you? Then I want to tell you:
It really makes sense to align your inner compass with honesty! Because: Small dishonesties mean that your partner can never be sure what else is not true between you. For:
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. That's a very simple saying with incredible truth. In any relationship, the foundation of trust is lost without honesty.
But it doesn't stop there when your partner can no longer trust your words.
Lies and secrets simmer in your heart and take your breath away. Because the question remains: "Will everything be over when this gets out?" You could swallow a small dose of poison every day and probably live healthier than with secrets and dishonesty.
But what if a big pile of lies has already piled up?
Perhaps it is impossible to bring everything out in the open. But this one thing a everyone can do: Starting today, set your inner compass to honesty! "I want to be a (loving!) honest partner." And you can ask God to help you bring the truth to light.
Another problem with little white lies is that if I don't try to be honest in unimportant situations, I will be tempted to lie in important moments too.
The other day my husband asked where his old slippers had gone. I'm not sure, but it's possible I threw them away. Because I remember that: They were definitely ready for the bin.
Now I had to make a decision. Do I just say, “I have no idea where you put them?” Or do I tell the truth, “I don't know for sure. But I may have thrown them away.” Well. With being honest I was off worse.
On the outside this seems like a pretty small thing - but on the inside it's not: I've gotten a little bit better at telling the truth, even when it's uncomfortable or embarrassing.
I hear one sentence more often when it comes to lying: "I'm not harming anyone with it". Yes, sometimes that might be true. But in doing so, you forget someone you always harm: yourself. lying changes you, a little tiny bit every time without you noticing. And it doesn't take long until the difference between truth and lie gets blurry.
Us humans are quite good at that – fooling ourselves. A powerful antidote to self-deception is truth. I heard a great saying the other day: "Sow a thought and you will reap an act, sow an act and you will reap a habit, sow a habit and you will reap a destiny."
6. Be faithful
A relationship without absolute faithfulness is like bungee jumping without a rope... There's just something missing. Yes, you have quite a bit of freedom if you allow yourself to be unfaithful, but the freedom doesn't last long. Pretty soon you hit the ground and what once was your family is now broken.
Even if you stay married, it's hard to pick up what's left of the relationship and enjoy it. Still, it's not impossible to recover from a broken relationship. But it is extremely hard and the price is very high.
By geralt from Pixabay
My loyalty to my husband and his to me begins with censoring my and his thoughts: Which mental cinema do I allow myself? What am I looking at? Pornography and fantasies about other partners are the beginning of infidelity. This is a door opener that only waits for one thing: the right opportunity to knock.
Personally, I don't get involved in friendships with other men and private meetings. My husband is my best friend. We see that as good protection. An infidelity doesn't happen overnight, but gradually over months by allowing another person to take my partner's place. Well, that's how we do it. ;-)
7. Make intimacy a priority
Imagine a room. This space is your relationship. The way you live relationship sets the temperature in that space, just like a thermostat. Is it hot? Or so cold that you can scratch off the ice from the inside of the window? Or is the temperature set in a way that both feel really comfortable in this room? If no one cares about the temperature, it will automatically become too cold (or too hot).
the intimacy in your relationship is in this comparision more like a thermometer. In bed you find out how your relationship is going. For a period of time, you or your partner can ignore or keep a bad "temperature" between you a secret. But sooner or later it becomes clear that something is wrong.
I've found that it's usually like this (with exceptions, of course): women have to feel loved in order to want intimacy. Men, on the other hand, feel loved when they have physical intimacy. This can quickly become a vicious circle. Especially when the relationship is burdened by circumstances. But it doesn't have to.
The important thing is that both must try to take care of a well-adjusted temperature. If it is important to you and your partner to give love to the other and not just expect love, it can work out well. If one only expects and the other only gives, then things will not go well in the long run.
Fulfilled intimacy means that both partners enjoy each other. In marriage you carry each other. In intimacy, you celebrates carrying and bearing eachother.
As soon as one partner feels unhappy in the relationship (rightly or wrongly), the "temperature of intimacy" gets too cold or too hot: Then you have to take care of the relationship again to set things "right".
Sometimes that means talking, "How do I feel about you? How do you think about me? Are we comfortable in our marriage? Do you despise me or do I despise you? Are you interested in my thoughts and feelings? And am I interested in yours?” Contempt and disinterest are guaranteed to put you in a bad mood in bed.
Whatever the conflict, you carry it to bed with you.
Or it's again time to spend more relaxed freetime together.
In any case, there is no point in expecting a good "temperature" between you without setting the temperature for it. If the mood is minus 10 °C, it doesn't do much to tap on the thermometer and pretend it's warm.
But it really helps to talk about the climate: "I can't be intimat precisely because of these reasons (...). But I understand you need this. What can we do that makes it feel right for both of us at the end of the day?”
The decisive factor here is again: if something in your relationship is to be changed to the better, your fight must not be directed against your partner. Decide today to change your point of view: instead of against your partner, stand next to him to fight side by side against the problem that divides you.
Happy Relationship in 7 Steps - Invest in Today your happier marriage:
Take time for change! Your happy relationship takes time!
Admittedly, good changes in a relationship take more than just seven days. But at the same time it's amazing what you can break in seven days.
Seven days of fighting and all you hope might be gone where before you were quite happy. In seven days, however, some things may be healed again, or at least better.
Seven days or seven steps:
Don't judge your partner - neither of you are perfect.
Talk about everything like a team, not enemies.
Spend free time together more than once or twice a week (although it may be hard at first - you've enjoyed it before. You'll enjoy it again!)
Enjoy laughing together – also about your weaknesses. Humor says: It's okay, I love you anyway! But avoid cynicism.
Be unconditionally honest - set your heart on being honest.
Be unconditionally faithful - inwardly align yourself with absolute faithfulness.
Consciously take time for intimacy - or time to improve the climate between you.
Which of these points is important to you and your relationship? Are there any points that you would like to change? start today
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