Jesus said to a scholar: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17
Is his primary concern physical health? No, but, as he says, to call out to people caught in guilt.
What He did on the cross is centered on restoring relationship and delivering from guilt.
Don't feel like reading? Watch the video here!
Health for sick relationships
So when Jesus says that he came for the sick, his advice and commandments are also helpful for the sick to heal their hearts. And they also apply to those who consider themselves healthy. When he says, "You are my disciples if you keep my commandments," it applies to everyone.
Luke 6:46 But why do you call me, Lord, Lord, and do not what I say? 47 Anyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them - I will show you what he is like...)
A doctor works like this:
1. He prescribes a drug that is supposed to lead to healing
With Jesus, this is his wonderful Holy Spirit, which always achieves its goal when I “take” it
2. Then he gives advice on how to take and how to live to get healthy.
These are the teachings of Jesus. Jesus said very clearly: if you implement what I teach, then I am really your doctor and your teacher. Otherwise you're just pretending I'm your doctor.
3. Thirdly, he refers to any specialists who can provide support.
With Jesus this is his community, the other Christians who are with you on the way. Some have grown more and will help you, others you can help. But what they all need to have in common is this: they want to grow, they want to change and they want to give Jesus more space in their lives and actions.
Annoying Christians?
If it bothers you that Christians "want to change you," then you don't understand what the point is: They want to change themselves as well.
(However, there is the broken form of Christians. They are really only concerned with changing others and they completely close themselves off from God. You can recognize them by their fruits and sort them out of the category "Christian".-> see quote from Jesus above Lk.6:46)
So look at it this way: If you have behaviors that actually destroy others or yourself, it's worth changing. And that is really the task of every Christian: Jesus commandmentsto take seriously and focus on it.
And then comes the most important step, without which everything will just fail: His Holy Spiritto take seriously, who works the miracle in me that I can actually be changed.
Interested in a 3-part course where you can grow in truly trusting God more and more? Watch my three videos on this topic alone or with friends, a home group or similar.
what harms your relationship A great destroyer is judgment. He's your enemy when it comes to forgiving your partner (or anyone around you). Get started today and free yourself from the burden of being critical of your partner.
1. Don't judge your partner for not being perfect (for you). Neither are you.
Lovers are only too good at this: ignoring each other's weaknesses... sometimes against all reason. Relationship researcher John Gottman describes contempt as the absolute destroyer of love. When he observes contempt in a marriage, he doesn't give the relationship much hope.
If feelings of contempt were a plant, then condemnation or judging is its root. For most roots, cutting off the leaves is of little use. Then new ones grow. The root has to come out.
Judging is easy: You see your partner's weaknesses and don't understand them.
"I just can't understand why you're like that. I wouldn't be as stupid as you if I were you. And you have no excuse for being like this.” That, I would say, is the essence of judging someone.
With understanding you would say: “That is a problem in you. But I love you anyway."
This is why judgment is so destructive: the more you criticize your partner without understanding, the more you will only see the bad and what he or she is doing wrong.
If you plan to destroy your marriage, do it with judgment! Judgment has a 100% success guarantee. Judgment kills any feeling of love you have for your partner; and in time his love for you will die too.
New thinking – a project for you (and your partner)
But change is possible. The solution, however, is not to simply stop saying anything critical. It's more about your thinking. Take some time today to think about what you criticize about your partner.
And this time, take a critical look at yourself! Are you perfect that you have the right to judge your partner? If your answer is "yes," then it's actually "no." Because a "perfect" person knows that they are not perfect and do not have the right to judge those around them. 😉
And then take your inner compass and turn from "I judge my partner" to "I don't want to judge my partner anymore". Change happens in small steps. Your inner attitude, what you believe to be true deep down in your heart, is the decisive factor.
Because with this new inner attitude, a whole new liberation and relaxation comes into your thinking. Your partner's mistakes are then no longer threatening. But to have that perspective I need God.
That's why it's so important for me to invite God into these deep thoughts, so that he causes in me what only he can do: that my heart changes. I can only change my alignment, but he frees my heart.
Start today, and then again tomorrow. Don't give up because with God by your side you will become free and over time it will rub off on your partner too.
Does God carry you? Fakeing trust and how it affects you
How is it actually to trust God? So many Christians walk through their lives with God, but rarely experience His peace or the power He has promised for those who walk with Him. How can this happen? And above all: What has to happen so that you and I can experience more of God and what he wants to give us?
Imagine sitting in a chair and saying, "This chair is amazing! There is no better or more stable chair in the world.” But in reality you think this chair is too fragile to support your weight for more than two minutes. This will result in you never putting your weight fully on the chair, just pretending to sit. How cozy would that be? It doesn't matter how much you proclaim with "faith": “I am so glad to have this chair in my life. Life would be so exhausting without this chair. I could never really rest.”
After two minutes at the most, people around you would probably notice your muscles starting to tremble. And after five minutes, even the last person would have noticed that you don't look relaxed at all and this chair of yours doesn't even remotely live up to its promises.
May God carry you?
God is like this chair. And he really doesn't enjoy it if you are living a life where you just pretend to be leaning on him. He wants to carry you with all your burdens.
Do you know this verse: "Without faith it is impossible to please God" (Hebrews 11:6). Why is it that without faith you cannot please God? Well, exactly because of this fact: God wants to be like a chair for you on which you can throw yourself along with your whole weight of life too. If a chair had thoughts, it might not like it at all if a person never really sat down, but stayed in a half-standing position. Besides it looks really silly. A chair is designed to carry you. Thats its purpose.
God also has definded a purpose for himself, who he wants to be for you. He wants to be your shepherd, your water, your food, your strength, your father, your lover, your provider, your king, your boss, your prince of peace, your hope and your source of life.
What is left for you to do? Lean on him with all your life, burdens, failures and sin and accept who he is.
Have you ever thought about whether you actually trust God? More often you may ask yourself whether you believe in God - or whether you believe enough. But when it comes to faith, it must also be about trust in God. Because you don't believe anyone you don't trust. And you don't trust anyone you don't believe a word of it.
I have found throughout my life that I have the ability to theoretically trust God: theoretically, I believe that God is with me. When asked if he wants to help me, I answer: "Yes, theoretically yes...".
Did Jesus pay for my sins and absolve me of all charges? "In theory, yes." The question then is why, practically speaking, do I still feel constantly accused and judged...
The problem, of course, is that theoretical trust in God practically means, "I don't trust you!"
Do you also theoretically trust God sometimes? Then I invite you to consider with me why this is so and what you can do about it. Worth it! Because if you never learn, God practically trusting, you are about to miss the most important thing in your life: experiencing God.
The Holy Spirit is imprisoned in unbelieving believers. And he wants to break out.
Bill Johnson
who god misscan't trust him vertrust
Mistrust is important. It keeps us from running blindly into great dangers. As soon as you see an inconsistency, the alarm bells go off. And that's good -
Except of course someone is using your inherently correct distrust disposition to dupe you.
And this game unfortunately presents itself to us humans in countless experiences in real life as well as in stories, fables and movies.
Human distrust lends itself perfectly to a double game. Because it is enough to simply "sow" a doubt. This thought gets stuck in your brain and quickly takes on a life of its own.
Distrust and as it always doubts
This game of evil (that's what I call it now) is often found in human history. The first time probably with Adam and Eve: "Did God really say that you should not eat of the tree? He's only saying that because he's keeping something from you.” The thought is sown.
The British writer Jane Austen, in her 1813 novel Pride and Prejudice, paints the same story: the kind-hearted Mr Darcy is condemned by Elizabeth because the charming Mr Wickham has bad things to say about him. In the end it turns out that Wickham is the real bad guy who did the bad thing and Mr. Darcy is the real misjudged hero of the whole story.
The same principle applies to the Star Wars films: Darth Sidious lies to Anakin and sees in him the doubt that drives him insane: "The (good) force is not strong enough to protect you and your great love! Turn to the dark power and you will be able to protect your wife!” Anakin believes the voice of evil and loses exactly what he wanted to protect by doing so: he kills the love of his life in his growing, mistrusting anger.
Yes, distrust is often good. But distrust based on a lie is catastrophic.
It is no different in the relationship with God. Here the thoughts of distrust face and fight against the belief in you. The distrust would only be correct if God were actually a villain...
God the villain?
From the beginning, the goal of evil has been to turn you away from trusting in God. Who is this bad guy? Jesus calls him the one who lies as soon as he opens his mouth (John 8:44).
You don't believe that there is a dark and deeply evil force in this world? That evil is just a pipe dream – the Western world is pretty much alone with this idea.
I want to encourage you: look at the incredibly and abysmal evil deeds of people who devour their own children with unspeakably cruel and heinous deeds. In such lives, evil is within reach.
There is evil in this world that acts strategically and wisely at the same time. And it's trying hard to keep whispering this thought to you, "God is not good. Look here and look there what he has done again. It was him!” Then, as if in a trance, people often join in: “Yes, it was him! Why did God do that!"
Which voice can I believe?
The difficult thing about situations of mistrust is this: How can you recognize the truth? It's really not that easy. But there are also good clues that help with orientation like a compass.
Because what do you do in your relationship with God if you find it difficult to trust? Are you cautious about your trust with good reason or not? If you want to live with God, you certainly have a desire to trust God.
But I'm sure sometimes you're afraid to trust God too. I want to tell you: there are reasons for this and it is worth looking for them and examining them a little. Because the question arises: Shouldn't you also distrust these reasons for distrusting God?
Why trust God? Because he's good!
Wikipedia gives the following definition in English:
Trust is a person's willingness to be vulnerable to another person. And this on the assumption that the one who is trusted will behave in a way that benefits the truster. Furthermore, the Truster has no control over the actions of the Trustee.
That's really the only reason why trust makes sense. if god is good If he is up to evil or is evil, it makes sense to distrust him.
Because that is so, you must ask yourself the question: Is God good? Because: if he isn't, it would be foolish to trust him. If you have answered this question well with "Yes, he is good!" I want to ask you: do you think God is good to you? Is everything who he is and what he does good for you? Do you wish for everything He has prepared for you?
I've often noticed that Christians aren't as quick to shout yes and hooray when the topic goes in this direction. I quickly sense a reluctance to surrender myself fully to God's will, usually mixed with an underlying sense of duty.
Why is that? I think that's the most important question of all!
Trusting evil goes against your nature
When God says we should to him fully trust, one thing was very clear to him: for us humans it is impossibleto trust someone evil. It's not just trained. God made you this way! He has put an inner compass in you that you protect yourself from bad people and become suspicious.
If you have lost this protective mechanism, in most cases it has to do with the fact that you have been trained out of it. Maybe through the parents, who everyone says are supposed to be good. But your parents just really weren't or aren't.
Maybe other people have shaped you in an unhealthy way. It can then be difficult to use trust and distrust “correctly”. But there is good news: If you spend time with God, who made you wonderfully, He can put things right. You can put your view of things back in order - for example, realign this inner compass.
Only if God is good can he demand trust
If God made you this way, there are two possibilities:
Either God is a hypocrite, demanding something of you that He knows you cannot meet: full trust in Him, i.e. a completely open heart, even though he does things that hurt you and are bad for you.
Or else God really is perfectly good. And that also means good for you in all situations.
That's not to say that God won't judge and punish when people completely reject Him - and like to do evil as dogs like to eat their poop. God isn't doing anything wrong there. Because without correction there is no justice.
How God shows himself to us in Jesus
God shows himself clearly in Jesus. He carried a great burden to achieve one goal: He wanted to set you free. You were worth it to him when he died on the cross for your sin.
By geralt from Pixabay
The burden of your guilt and your hurts hit him really hard - not just your burden and guilt, but that of everyone who has ever lived and will live.
That's how he is, God the Father: He suffers for his children and helps them out of the biggest shithole. And that's how a father and mother should be: like him.
If you believe that God is just waiting for you to open your heart to face a difficult fate, you can never trust God. Trusting someone who abuses you or treats you badly is only possible by bending your heart. And that's very unhealthy. Then it may look like trust, but it definitely doesn't feel like trust.
God knows we can't trust him when we think he's about to hit us
The evolution of suffering
God does not want to make you a better person by sending you an incurable chronic disease or by letting your partner or parent die.
Many religious people believe in an "evolution of suffering", as if at the end of suffering there would be a new, better person.
But it is not the evolution of suffering that changes you - it is God's Holy Spirit!
The thing is, people can suffer an awful lot and end up being horrible or incredibly wonderful people.
In the same way, people can hardly suffer and end up being wonderful or incredibly terrible people.
However, what often happens through suffering is that we begin to question. This can be a very important process that in the end really causes a person to change course. Often because he realizes how destructive the paths he took without God were.
"Every good gift and every perfect gift comes down from above, from the Father of light, in whom there is no change, neither of light and darkness" (James 1:17). "God is light, and in him is no darkness" (1 John 1:5).
What is the education that God expects of us?
But what does God ask of us to grow in our relationship with him? Above all, there are three things that God consciously expects of us, which everyone must experience on the one hand, but which are also an opportunity to grow on the other:
1. Trusting God despite suffering:
This life is full of beauty but also full of difficulties, problems and hardships. God doesn't spare us that. Everyone experiences difficulties, some more, others less. That in itself is unfair. All problems and difficulties have one temptation in common: that you doubt whether God is good. Adam and Eve are the first example of this doubt. This is your challenge and the question for you every day: Do you think God is more unjust than you? Or do you hold on to what you've already seen of him and say in the heavy, "No, God is still good. And I will see his goodness.” That's what decides it: do I belong to God or not? In difficult situations, do you immediately doubt that God is good?
Only in this life can we make that sacrifice to God: believing him to be good, even when it doesn't feel like it. That's what it means when Jesus tells us to become like children. Bill Johnson?
Believe God in Difficult Situations?
2. From Sin to Holiness
If you want to cling to sin, that's a bad goal. In that case, you really can't trust God to support you in this. Because another word for sin is "destructive action." And that's what God wants to set you free from. He is constantly inviting you to change your thinking and make room for His Holy Spirit. Then he can show you what reality is and that stinginess is not cool; that adultery is as destructive and insidious as assassination of people you love, and it really is Nothing has to do with “true love”; and that you are a slave when you live in sin. Do you want to see the truth about your sin and become free?
3. His vision becomes your vision
God has a goal that corresponds to his nature: He wants (desperate) people to meet him and become free. God invites you to really get to know him and have a heart like his. This entails certain risks. Because then what is important to him becomes important to you. He endured much suffering to save others. This heart then beats in you. When you really love someone, you care about how they see the world. Are you ready to empathize with God? Do you want to get to know him close enough to see what moves him? Acts 26:17f
Suffering is not the power to become a better person. God Himself is that power.
A person who opens his heart completely to God and trusts in him will become more and more beautiful every year through God himself. You know people where this is not the case? Then you may rightly question whether they really have their roots in Jesus. For Jesus' reasoning was this:
By Mălina Sîrbu from Pexels
"A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit." Jesus, ca. 30 AD
But before you point fingers at Christians who you think are not good enough, look at yourself and ask yourself: do I let God into all areas of my life so that I become a person who works for myself and others is a blessing and not a curse?
God is not the author of destruction, chaos, murder and manslaughter. But of course what we cannot avoid in this life is the question of why he can allow it. There are many good answers to this question – but that would be another topic. And yet, you may not find an answer in this lifetime that fully satisfies you. But you are made for eternity! Did you know that? Until then, God wants to give you something incredible: His absolute closeness to you and his peace, which is better than any answer can ever be. Can't you believe that? That's because you have far, far too low an expectation of his closeness and peace!
Don't miss the opportunity today to finally meet him and get to know him a little better!
You don't trust God? Don't accuse yourself!
So don't blame yourself if you don't trust God, but ask yourself today:
Why don't I trust God? What am I afraid of?
What do I fear will happen if I invite God and say, "You can do whatever you want in my life."
God tells you to trust him as a child trusts his good father. He knows exactly that a child never trust I canwhen the father does things that are not good for the child. When the father beats up his child and then says it's for his own good, the child knows: that's not the truth. It closes itself – it cannot do otherwise. But God is calling you to trust because He is both perfectly good and devotedly loving for with you,.
You will never be able to fully trust God unless you first believe that he is good (to you).
Do you believe God when he says he's good? This is how your rebirth begins: that you know the truth above God believe. Not, that you on believe him Many believe on God. But the power to change lies in believing in them for who they really are.
We do not need great faith, but faith in a great one (and good ones) God. HudsonTaylor
Put down a piece of paper over the next few days or start a note on your cell phone asking: what are you afraid of? I would be very happy to hear from you too. And then realize that when you give your life to God and invite him into every living space, he wants to come as king and servant. He doesn't want to dominate your life. He wants to serve you, care for you and be a blessing to you. But that's impossible if he can't also be your boss. But who doesn't want a boss like Jesus!
In this way he prepares you to become a servant for other people yourself, where people find protection and strength - with your gifts, limitations and passions. Then you become a person who is even able to share in the suffering of others.
Do you want to decide today to invite God more every day and say to him:
"All I am is yours and I trust you will not harm me."
Do you have a lot of stress in your marriage/relationship and raising your kids? Do you often get into loud arguments at home? Do mistakes from people and situations that went wrong bother you for a very long time? Do you often try to prevent all problems and difficulties, and panic when something doesn't go really well?
By Lena Khrupina from Pexels
I want to encourage you not to accept that. Because there is a better way to live.
letting go of the need to control others
When people fail or things go wrong, you always have a choice in how you deal with it. That's far more important than what's going wrong right now. If life has one thing in store for you, it's this: storms.
So don't waste your energy wishing for a life of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, but do the only thing that makes sense: become internally "stormproof". The first step to do this is to let go of the need to control others.
Only control what can be controlled!
So many situations in life bring stress. I don't know what your life is like right now: What went terribly wrong? What are the situations where you or someone close to you failed?
Or did things happen that no one was responsible for? How can you deal with such situations without them stressing and triggering you for years to come? That's what this blog is about.
Perfect birth?
When our first daughter was born a lot went wrong. The birth lasted all night, partly because the midwife didn't give me the right advice. I had no idea, it was my first birth.
The next morning it was finally time. Our daughter was lying on my stomach. But I couldn't enjoy it much because I my pains just grew worse every minute. At some point I couldn't take it anymore. The pain got so intense that I just wanted to faint.
I had a complication so I had to have an emergency surgery.
Shortly after I woke up, the doctors and midwives noticed that our daughter was not breathing well. Later it became clear that she got infected with streptococci during birth.
Baby Feet by Rene Asmussen from Pexels
Why hadn't anyone noticed that before? There had been a streptococci test 2 days befor birth and it was positive! I could tell from the faces of the doctors and midwives that they had overlooked it. A short time later, our daughter was transferred to the intensive care unit. We didn't get to see her again until the next day and only very rarely in the days that followed.
I was discharged home in a state of complete exhaustion. Fresh out of the operating room, I was supposed to drive to the hospital for a few hours every day to take care of my child. Only after strenuous discussions was I able to at least get a bed with our daughter in the intensive care unit.
letting go of control
by geralt from Pixabay
There is so much potential for inner stress and anxiety in this experience. I had heard the sentence over and over again: “The first few hours are so important for the mother-child bond. If you miss it, you can never make up for it!"
Only now did I realize what a terrible claim that was. So many parents and especially mothers are being pressured with such words while they are already struggling with a difficult birth. But I was then and still am convinced that this is simply not true. Us humans are not like a small and fragile plant that breaks off in the slightest storm. We are robust. And although babies are very needy, they still are people.
This situation could have sent me into great inner stress that would have haunted me, maybe even to this day: "What if my relationship with my daughter suffers forever?"
Stress? Discover God's invitation to become free and surrender control to him
But this experience also has another potential:
I had to decide in that moment: do I trust God or do I trust fear?
I'm so glad I chose God. I was able to let go and trust: "Even if a lot went wrong here: God is with us, with me and with our child and is stronger than our problems."
I was able to experience that my trust in God carries me. He is the one who makes me strong. Despite this difficult situation.
I know that this situation may be ridiculous compared to the problems that are attacking you. But even if your problems are far greater, there is one who is a master at handling your problems, too.
A ship does not sink because of the water that surrounds it...
Life is full of situations, that we cannot control. The first impulse in Problems is usually to want to control the situation. In many areas this makes perfect sense. For example, it's really good to react quickly when the basement is full of water. It's all about getting the problem under control.
By Giada Venturino from Pexels
In other situations, however, this is not really possible. It is not in your hands that your partner makes the right decisions for your relationship.
Many people are unaware of this problem: the longer the list gets of things you want to control, the more your inner stress and panic will increase.
This panic only surfaces when something “gets out of control”. Is this inner stress, panic and pain just unavoidable? With no way out?
I am convinced that the God who made you has a way out for you.
God's silent influence
One of the greatest positive influences you can have on your family, children, partner or friends is making room for God in your relationship and family.
This is the first and most important step in order to learn to let go of control. What can that look like? This is not about a meditative approach: as if everything is unimportant or the goal is detachment from all goals and human difficulties. On the contrary.
It's about discovering that in God you have a wonderful friend and advocate who fights for you, experiences your pain and stands by your side. He loves you passionately and is strong enough to help you. Only when you actively give him your burden can you be relieved of your burden. This is often necessary on a daily basis, as pain always accumulates or wells up again. If you try it without him, you either carry the burden wherever you go or you run the risk of becoming indifferent to life.
By thomas68 from Pixabay
A ship does not sink because of the water that surrounds it. It sinks because of the water that gets in the ship. Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.
You as a human being were created to master difficult situations - hand in hand with your God who fights for you. So is your child. Trust him: he fights and wins for you. That's why you don't have to be afraid of difficult situations.
Therefore, never make it your greatest goal in life not to have problems. That only brings stress.
Welcome to God's world
Everyone lives in relationships with people that are uncontrollable. Computers are predictable. Animals are in many situations quite predictable too. But humans are completely different.
In these relationships we experience what God experiences with us humans. Because he created you free, to live the way you want to. And he doesn't control you.
A chicken I can it does what all chicken do, because its instinct determines it. You as a person are different. God created you to be like himself. Therefore, you can voluntarily choose to have a relationship with him or not.
The relationships you live in are the same. Your relationship can be beautiful if your partner stays with you voluntarily. Your relationship with your children can be free and joyful when they choose to listen to you.
When you marry, you enter into a contract with someone who is unpredictable. And when you then have children, you bring little people into the world who again are one thing: completely unpredictable. You have no idea what will become of them.
By Agostino Toselli from Pexels
Peace instead of stress: learn to parent without controlling
You can imagine as much as you want what will become of your child. But that doesn't change the fact: you can't control it. Of course you can try to control your child. However, this will bring stress into your relationship that is very destructive.
Nobody shows us who we are and what's really inside of us, like our own children.
When we had our children, I was surprised how such a tiny person managed to create so much anger in me. It simply didn't have to do what I needed it to do or what was good for the child. Kids don't respect your boundaries as parents at all!
Until you had children, there probably wasn't someone like that in your life: someone who doesn't respect it at all when you say: "I can't take it anymore, I need a break". You have to get used to that first. Kids just keep doing what they shouln't and toddlers just throw themselves on the floor more stubborn than before.
By Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
My children really confronted me with my weaknesses. Even more than my husband. And that's really good. Because that's how growth happens. Nothing is worse than a life without growth. But then comes this realization that many parents probably have: "I love it best when everything goes my way :-)."
Letting go of control in parenting
Dany Silk describes the difference between controlling and parenting very well in his book Loving our kids on purpose.
The message we send to our children is clear: “I cannot control you. I can't control your appetite. I can't control your study habits. I can't control your respect. I can't control the tongue in your mouth. I can't control your attitude. I can't control anything from you. I can set some boundaries. I have some pretty cool tools to use when you mess up, but I want you to learn fast that your side of our relationship is yours. Your life is yours and you must learn how to live with it because there will come a day when I won't be there."
Loving our kids on purpose, p.140
There's no point trying to control your kids...it just increases stress for you and your kids. It's far better to give your kids a choice with clear boundaries.
Is your child not cleaning up their room? Sure, you can scold and get upset. And maybe you will also achieve what you want: that your child tidies up. But you haven't changed anything about your child's attitude.
The other way is: you set limits that you can live with: “Your task today is to eat this meal without fuss. If you don't do that, you'll help me clean up the kitchen for half an hour. I can live with both.”
It might make sense for you to come up with other consequences. What fits into your everyday life? Consequences where you end up paying the price are usualy bad. Consequences that last longer than a day are also difficult to overlook and keep up with.
Control yourself and the conflict, not your child or spouse
“There is nothing wrong with being different. Learn to allow those around you to be themselves and you to be yourself. Then you are well on your way to removing the deadly element of control from your relationships!” Danny Silk, Author of loving our kids on purpose
The important thing is: get the conflict situation under control, not your child or partner! Your child must then freely decide whether to continue fighting against you and the rules or whether to accept the rules.
But kids are incredibly smart. They won't constantly choose situations where they end up having to clean up for an hour.
How do you know you're in control of the situation? When you are no longer extremely stressed about the situation, but still knowthat you will reach your goal or (with your partner) will find a solution.
Wanting to be in control brings stress, especially in your marriage and parenting
If I as a person tend to want to control people, this of course applies to all relationships, including marriage. Unfortunately, controlling your spouse is no less problematic. Do you often get upset with your partner? Very often the reason is that he or she is not acting the way you want him/ her to. If you want to get out of this, you have to ask yourself: do I allow my partner to make mistakes? Is my partner allowed to be imperfect?
Here are a few questions for personal reflection:
Am I allowed to make mistakes?
Is my partner allowed to make mistakes?
How afraid am I of what other people will think of me or my partner when he does something wrong?
In everyday life, do I spend a lot of time thinking of fears of the future or sadnesses of the past?”
I often think: If only things had gone differently back then. That was such an important day!
Did you answer yes to many of these sentences? Then tell yourself:
“Today is actually the most important day. How I live and think today determines how I evaluate and feel about the past and the future.
That decides whether my inner boat of life sinks filled with water or sails strong and safe through the storms of life.”
I hope you have a day where you bravely take new steps towards freedom. Do not give up! There is hope 🙂
There are all kinds of problems in marriages that cause relationships to go bad. Because, of course, there are two unique people struggling with each other (or against each other).
But there is definitely one problem that everyone has. And all the other marriage problems are constantly feeding this problem.
But before I go any further, one important thing first: what I'm not including here about relationship problems are problems like abuse of power, violence, infidelity, and extreme emotional injuries, that destroys your soul. That's a topic of its own, which I definitely don't want to dismiss as a trifle.
"I'll never forgive you!"
The marriage problem I want to talk about here is not forgiving. To not forgive your partner has incredible power. If all your marriage problems could be put in a vial of poison, the problem of "not forgiving" would definitely take 80%'s place.
Photo by Vera Arsic on Pexels
Maybe your relationship is threatened by problems? Then I want to encourage you to get rid of the "I don't forgive" problem first.
80/20 rule
I found that the 80/20 rule (Pareto principle) established by the Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto (1848-1923) can be of help here. He found the following: To finish the first 80% of a task it takes 20% of the total energy you need to complete that task.
To reach the remaining 20%, that is, to get to 100%, you need 80% of the energy that this task takes in total. That means the last 20%, to reach the point where you can say it's perfect, will cost the most energy (four times as much!).
This is an ingenious brain teaser so that you don't get bogged down with tasks in your studies, household, job, etc. through perfectionism. But thinking a little differently, you can also apply the principle to your relationship:
If you want to start improving your relationship, it makes sense to focus on the area that takes relatively little life energie to bring the biggest impact.
Because not all problems have the same negative “impact”.
So "fixing" a constant problem between the two of you might not do much good to notice an improvement. Because as soon as this is eliminated, a new one comes marching along to takes the place of the previous problem.
For example:
An expensive, romantic vacation is really great and I would never consider turning down the offer. But: It means a huge effort of energy with uncertain outcome (does it really improve the relationship?)
If I keep getting annoyed that my husband doesn't wipe the table or take out the trash, I can try to "train" him to change. But: That means a lot of energy is required with quite questionable outcome. (I hear men don't like to be trained 😉 - of course that doesn't mean, you can't talk about everyday "problems" and grow together. But the point I want to make, is that it would be so much more effective to get rid of the constant anger first)
Those unsolvable 20% of poison in your relationship are not the main problem. The main problem is that you don't let go of this demand on your partner:
"You should be better for me! You should have been better for me!"
Forgiving: the problem solver with the greatest impact
If you want to get rid of a problem that will make a huge difference, get rid of the "I don't forgive" problem first.
Why is this area so huge? Because this problem gets its energy of all other problems and like a tick sucks them out to the last drop. It lives on the other problems.
Many people have had the idea of eliminating all problems so that this problem no longer has any fodder.
Most of the time it ends with the successful removal of the old spouse and the introduction of a new partner with whom there really is no conflict that needs forgiving.
Because there's just nothing he or she did wrong. At least until the first real conflict comes...
The fact that this problem of not forgiving has such a big impact can be good or bad news for you now. It is bad if you are not willing to learn to forgive.
But it's good when you're willing to get better at forgiving. Then you can experience how with removing only one Problem you slowly reduce most of the negative feelings that accompany all the problems in a relationship.
Tit for tat?
Your partner made a mistake or offended you? Each of these injuries presents you with a new decision: How will you deal with it? Will you hold on to the anger and be sulky for hours or maybe for days?
Every single situation is absolutely crucial! When you hold the other person's guilt firmly in your memory, you train yourself to be really bad at forgiving.
A little worse each time. After a month it's not so tragic. After ten years, it's catastrophic.
If you don't like to forgive others, you're probably not much better at forgiving yourself. How hard are you on yourself when you make a mistake?
Jesus describes unforgiveness as a prison you put yourself in.
Only Jesus can effectively help me out of this dilemma in a way that really liberates and inspires me. His death and resurrection is not just a nice story, but has real power to to change your history - if you want it. Through Jesus you can start to react in new ways when you or others fail or hurt each other.
by geralt from Pixabay
"As God treats me, so will I treat myself and my partner"
I experienced this particularly years ago when our children were very small and I was so pissed at my husband because of an argument. With my baby in my arms I sat there so angry and I wanted to stay angry too. But I heard God's call within me: "Forgive him".
So after a while I said to God that I wanted to let go of the anger. It started with accepting that it's okay if my husband makes mistakes, and me too. God invited me to trust him. He would fight for the truth in this argument between us. He would fight forus . I knew he would do that, so I opened my heart for God to move in me, which I had done so many times.
On this day, however, the contrast was so incredibly strong for me. Maybe because I was holding a little baby in my arms, lying there peacefully. And inside me there was raging anger. But after that conversation with God, my anger completely dissolved and I was at peace. I still resolved the dispute with my husband. but how I went into the conversation had completely changed.
To forgive means to be free!
In other situations I didn't always feel it so blatantly. But this experience motivated me incredibly to trust and follow the God who wants to give me peace.
And over the years I've gotten better at forgiving faster. Of course, this doesn't always work out so well. And for me, time with God is the most important thing. I have to run to him when my heart hurts because someone hurt me. And then he heals that pain. That's who he is. And that's what he promised.
Because that is his character: He is a God who sees my weaknesses and is happy to forgive me. If I want his forgiveness.
But that's why I like being with him so much. Because I know no matter what: He doesn't blame me about my mistakes. But he encourages and empowers me to change with the inner strength he gives. This Strength makes it possible for me to change.
That's how he is. And that's how I can treat myself and my partner.
So how can you practically deal with the weaknesses of your partner or those around you?
Love yourself as God loves you
One of the most famous verses in the Bible reads: God loved you so much that he in Jesus came into the world for you, so that if you believe in him you will live forever and be free (Jn 3:16 ).
God's love is the source. When his love for you doesn't become a reality, forgiveness becomes difficult. He has to show you his love and you have to experience it in order for something to change.
So: Are you a person who has understood that you have to eat every day to stay alive? Then also take time to feed your heart with God's love for you daily. Here's how it works: Invite him to show you today who he is and how he loves you. And ask him to show you how to forgive.
by Nadin Sh from Pexels
Take time to read the Bible. Make some space in your everyday life for God. Just like you make room in your daily schedule to eat and drink. This is also the reason why to pray before meals. with that prayer you're saying, "God, my heart needs you like my body needs food."
God just loves you so much and is so happy to help you when you come to him. His power can do what yours can't. And then the next step can come:
love your neighbor as yourself
God has no problem with you and your partner being limited and making mistakes. But he has a problem with you pretending that your guilt and your partner's guilt aren't a problem. Guilt is a problem and it must be taken to God. Because only he can properly dispose of this "hazardous waste".
Are you and your partner too different? The problem here is not your difference. The problem is that you don't forgive your partner for being so different.
When your partner hurts or upsets you, turn to God and trust Him. Give him the guilt, anger and pain. He will fight for you. You may not notice a huge difference every day or so. But after a time you will look back with certainty and say: With God I prevented a catastrophe!
God is serious
"Be merciful, as your father is merciful . And do not judge, so that you will not be judged either” (Luke 6:36f).
God takes the problem of unforgiving seriously. He cares about your heart. Is there anything that can keep you from God's forgiveness? Yes, if you don't forgive others. Jesus was extremely clear on that.
by towfiqu barbhuiya
Your heart is so valuable so its worth it to forgive others and yourself! You may be wondering why God is so harsh when it comes to forgiving?
Well, the whole thing about dying on the cross was focused on one thing: that God forgives you and stays true even though you don't deserve it.
This is the great message of every single Christian: “I am a sinner and God has forgiven me! He made me righteous!” And your marriage should also express this: I love my partner and remain faithful to him, even if he doesn't always deserve it.
Your heart will never heal if you cheat your way around this topic.
If you are a Christian and that is not your message, then I would advise you to reconsider your faith. Perhaps in forgiving you will discover what you have been missing all these years.
If you are not a Christian then become one! Jesus is the best thing that will ever happen to you because his love is incomparable.
Not forgiven: the biggest problem?
So is the biggest problem in your relationship really not forgiving? Of course I don't see your relationship and I don't know what has already happened. But I do know one thing: my love for my husband shrinks rapidly when I start to hold grudges and blame him (internally or verbally).
Not forgiving is and remains one of the greatest problems facing humanity.
Of course, forgiving doesn't make all other problems in your marriage go away at once. But their negative power will definitely be reduced.
God wants to heal relationships. He loves your marriage. He loves you and has hope for you.
Okay, that's a steep claim: A happier marriage in just 7 days. A week whizzes by in fast motion as I feel like I'm moving in slo-mo. So what can I get done in a week? ...let alone change!?
One week - little amount of time, but an incredible amount can change in just seven days. Every day has potential for something new: good and bad. And let's be honest: it only takes a couple of minutes to end up in a masiv argument...
So: nothing will be perfect in a week (not even in a century). But seven days can become seven steps that can make your relationship a bit happier.
Your "I" from the past can help you to rediscover something: How did you manage to fall in love with your partner in the first place?
At the Registry office
At our civil wedding in 2004, the registrar expressed such a stupid wish for us that it stuck with me: "I hope that your marriage will be like a walk on a beach where the sun always shines and that there'll never be a stormy day .” I don't remember anything else from the speech, apart from this wish.
Utopia is more realistic than that wish! If that were my expectation of my marriage, I wouldn't have had to wait long for the first thunderstorm. And the shock of this thunderstorm is greater, the more exaggerated the expectations towards my relationship are.
Maybe that's the reason why you're asking yourself whether it makes (or made) any sense to get married at all, if sooner or later it's going to break anyway and everything's screwed up?
That's why I want to tell you today: your marriage is much tougher than you might think. A lot can be healed again without your relationship having to break up. And there are some things you can do to make your marriage or relationship weatherproof.
Poorly or poorly maintained?
If you think of your relationship as poorly, it's usually more accurate to say, "My marriage is poorly maintained' - poorly maintained by you, your partner, or both of you. This difference is really important. After all, simply “making your relationship good” in an unhappy marriage might seem difficult. But to take better care of a poorly maintained relationship is something everyone can do! And that has an effect.
The headline deliberately says "happier". The word "happy" is way too static, as if there is one condition a in this world that describes a happy relationship. But the happiest marriage suddenly becomes sad when one or both partners make decisions that hurt the relationship. And a poor marriage can suddenly feel happier when one or both make positive changes.
Happy Relationship: Invest in 7 Steps in the Right Direction!
These following 7 points are like a compass for me in my marriage. When things get a little difficult between my husband and me, I think, alright, which area of our relationship is being neglected right now? And then I or we refocus. Because like with a compass, simply the rough direction has to be right. Staying 100% on course would be terribly tedious and an unnecessary waste of energy. Our relationships are not that delicate.
Photo by Bakr Magrabi on Pexels.com
7 Things You Can Learn From Your Former Loved One
I hope that these seven tips can also help you and your relationship. Are 7 points too much for you? No problem! The former "you" that once was in love knows how to do it! Just remember: what were you like when you fell in love with your partner? One who is madly in love knows how "love" works. Being in love seems like a tutorial from God programmed into our DNA: "Loving for Dummies!", as if he says: "Now I'll show you how it works with love, and then you can carry on yourself". A starter set for loving, so to speak.
7 tips for staying in love:
1. Don't judge your partner for not being perfect (for you). Neither are you.
Lovers are only too good at this: ignoring each other's weaknesses... sometimes against all reason. Relationship researcher John Gottman describes contempt as the absolute destroyer of love. When he observes contempt in a marriage, he doesn't give the relationship much hope.
If feelings of contempt were a plant, then condemnation or judging is its root. For most roots, cutting off the leaves is of little use. Then new ones grow. The root has to come out.
Judging is easy: You see your partner's weaknesses and don't understand them.
"I just can't understand why you're like that. I wouldn't be as stupid as you if I were you. And you have no excuse for being like this.” That, I would say, is the essence of judging someone.
With understanding you would say: “That is a problem in you. But I love you anyway."
This is why judgment is so destructive: the more you criticize your partner without understanding, the more you will only see the bad and what he or she is doing wrong.
By Wendelin Jacober from Pexels
If you plan to destroy your marriage, do it with judgment! Judgment has a 100% success guarantee. Judgment kills any feeling of love you have for your partner; and in time his love for you will die too.
But change is possible. The solution, however, is not to simply stop saying anything critical. It's more about your thinking. Take some time today to think about what you criticize about your partner.
And this time, take a critical look at yourself! Are you perfect that you have the right to judge your partner? If your answer is "yes," then it's actually "no." Because a "perfect" 😉 person knows that they are not perfect and do not have the right to judge the people around them.
And then take your inner compass and turn from "I judge my partner" to "I don't want to judge my partner anymore".
2. Talks about everything
Don't judge, but still talk. Without taboos. But the basic attitude is important: "We don't fight each other", but: "We fight side by side against our problem!" I find the muzzle for conversations quite exhausting. Don't say: "...", but say it like this: "...". In conversations with my husband (or even with good friends), I don't want to constantly pay attention to every word I say, so that I don't say anything wrong.
The basic setting in your heart is the key. You can say everything correctly with this "mr.-perfect-language" and have a crappy inner attitude. So you are unassailable, because you didn't say anything wrong. But that doesn't get anyone anywhere. We need honest conversations.
Show your heart and be honest - also to yourself. But with a huge portion of mercy for the other - and also for yourself... without judgment, but with a heart that wants to find a good solution for both of you. Because it's not about you just getting your will. You will be happy if you and your partner are happy with the outcome of a conversation.
Conversations with my husband are at their best when I'm no longer angry. When I had time to think a bit and figure out what the or my problem is. Of course, that doesn't always work. But it makes sense to get comfortabe while we argue. Why not have a glass of wine or a cup of tea or coffee while you're at it? Life is too short to argue without celebrating. 😉
By cottonbro from pexels
3. Have purposeless time together
Lovers know one thing to do: spend as much time as possible with each other. At all (im)possible times. Like running a WhatsApp call through the night while you sleep. Back then you knew what was important to get closer and get to know each other.
Then life happens. And there is a great danger of forgetting:
It is still important to spend enough free time together, to stay close to each other and not forget who the other is. You need time to still know each other come next month.
And the time in which you organize, tidy up, work, solve problems... doesn't count.
When you book an expensive vacation where you end up having to non stop work in the hotel kitchen, you feel screwed. The love between you also feels screwed when the time it takes for your love to stay alive is filled with only stress and work.
Learn from your former "you" that was in love . Within yourself lies the guide to staying happy and in love.
Sometimes free time is difficult to find or sometimes even impossible. Of course that's okay. But if "no time" becomes the new way of living, your marriage might suffer. If your marriage is a ship, then its harbour is free time spent together.
It doesn't end well when a ship just keeps sailing on without time for repairs. The sentence "It just wasn't possible to spend free time together" has a bitter echo when you have to watch the ship sink into the depths of the ocean. But the good thing is: the port is only one decision away.
Haven't you had a relaxing time together for a long time? Get started this week! In the beginning it probably doesn't feel very relaxed. But over time it gets nicer. Just don't give up. My husband and me consider one or two evenings a week (or a few hours during the day if evenings are not possible) to be the minimum.
4. Love humor - avoid cynicism
By Mikhail Nilov from Pexels
Humor is a divine superpower. Maybe I'm a bit biased as I love humor and have an extremely humorous husband (now also two sometimes overly humorous teenagers...). But humor is like medicine to take life easier. There is so much difficulty in the world and in one's own life. But humor makes things so much easier.
Humor is a person's attitude who rises above his problems like a warrior and still laughs.
The opposite is persistent "dead seriousness" or cynical remarks about each other's weaknesses. A warrior's attitude is what enables you to stand up and change your situation. Nevertheless, I can't just laugh easily when it tears me apart inside.
Personally, the only way I can do it is: I invite God into the situation that is bothering me. When I make room for God in my mind, it's like He's saying, “Hey, it's not that bad. I'll make things better!"
This phrase above your marriage has a lot of power; especially when you hear it from God's mouth. Then, little by little, the seriousness of a bad argument dissolves and you can still laugh.
Maybe you know other ways. But it is logical to turn to God. He is the inventor of beautiful, liberating humor.
5. Be honest
Honesty is such a thing. I wish the seller would be honest with me. My partner and my children should also be honest with me. But when push comes to shove, one thing applies: I treat myself to a little white lie every now and then. Does that apply to you? Then I want to tell you:
It really makes sense to align your inner compass with honesty! Because: Small dishonesties mean that your partner can never be sure what else is not true between you. For:
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. That's a very simple saying with incredible truth. In any relationship, the foundation of trust is lost without honesty.
But it doesn't stop there when your partner can no longer trust your words.
Lies and secrets simmer in your heart and take your breath away. Because the question remains: "Will everything be over when this gets out?" You could swallow a small dose of poison every day and probably live healthier than with secrets and dishonesty.
But what if a big pile of lies has already piled up?
Perhaps it is impossible to bring everything out in the open. But this one thing a everyone can do: Starting today, set your inner compass to honesty! "I want to be a (loving!) honest partner." And you can ask God to help you bring the truth to light.
Another problem with little white lies is that if I don't try to be honest in unimportant situations, I will be tempted to lie in important moments too.
The other day my husband asked where his old slippers had gone. I'm not sure, but it's possible I threw them away. Because I remember that: They were definitely ready for the bin.
Now I had to make a decision. Do I just say, “I have no idea where you put them?” Or do I tell the truth, “I don't know for sure. But I may have thrown them away.” Well. With being honest I was off worse.
On the outside this seems like a pretty small thing - but on the inside it's not: I've gotten a little bit better at telling the truth, even when it's uncomfortable or embarrassing.
I hear one sentence more often when it comes to lying: "I'm not harming anyone with it". Yes, sometimes that might be true. But in doing so, you forget someone you always harm: yourself. lying changes you, a little tiny bit every time without you noticing. And it doesn't take long until the difference between truth and lie gets blurry.
Us humans are quite good at that – fooling ourselves. A powerful antidote to self-deception is truth. I heard a great saying the other day: "Sow a thought and you will reap an act, sow an act and you will reap a habit, sow a habit and you will reap a destiny."
6. Be faithful
A relationship without absolute faithfulness is like bungee jumping without a rope... There's just something missing. Yes, you have quite a bit of freedom if you allow yourself to be unfaithful, but the freedom doesn't last long. Pretty soon you hit the ground and what once was your family is now broken.
Even if you stay married, it's hard to pick up what's left of the relationship and enjoy it. Still, it's not impossible to recover from a broken relationship. But it is extremely hard and the price is very high.
By geralt from Pixabay
My loyalty to my husband and his to me begins with censoring my and his thoughts: Which mental cinema do I allow myself? What am I looking at? Pornography and fantasies about other partners are the beginning of infidelity. This is a door opener that only waits for one thing: the right opportunity to knock.
Personally, I don't get involved in friendships with other men and private meetings. My husband is my best friend. We see that as good protection. An infidelity doesn't happen overnight, but gradually over months by allowing another person to take my partner's place. Well, that's how we do it. ;-)
7. Make intimacy a priority
Imagine a room. This space is your relationship. The way you live relationship sets the temperature in that space, just like a thermostat. Is it hot? Or so cold that you can scratch off the ice from the inside of the window? Or is the temperature set in a way that both feel really comfortable in this room? If no one cares about the temperature, it will automatically become too cold (or too hot).
the intimacy in your relationship is in this comparision more like a thermometer. In bed you find out how your relationship is going. For a period of time, you or your partner can ignore or keep a bad "temperature" between you a secret. But sooner or later it becomes clear that something is wrong.
I've found that it's usually like this (with exceptions, of course): women have to feel loved in order to want intimacy. Men, on the other hand, feel loved when they have physical intimacy. This can quickly become a vicious circle. Especially when the relationship is burdened by circumstances. But it doesn't have to.
The important thing is that both must try to take care of a well-adjusted temperature. If it is important to you and your partner to give love to the other and not just expect love, it can work out well. If one only expects and the other only gives, then things will not go well in the long run.
Fulfilled intimacy means that both partners enjoy each other. In marriage you carry each other. In intimacy, you celebrates carrying and bearing eachother.
As soon as one partner feels unhappy in the relationship (rightly or wrongly), the "temperature of intimacy" gets too cold or too hot: Then you have to take care of the relationship again to set things "right".
Sometimes that means talking, "How do I feel about you? How do you think about me? Are we comfortable in our marriage? Do you despise me or do I despise you? Are you interested in my thoughts and feelings? And am I interested in yours?” Contempt and disinterest are guaranteed to put you in a bad mood in bed.
Whatever the conflict, you carry it to bed with you.
Or it's again time to spend more relaxed freetime together.
In any case, there is no point in expecting a good "temperature" between you without setting the temperature for it. If the mood is minus 10 °C, it doesn't do much to tap on the thermometer and pretend it's warm.
But it really helps to talk about the climate: "I can't be intimat precisely because of these reasons (...). But I understand you need this. What can we do that makes it feel right for both of us at the end of the day?”
The decisive factor here is again: if something in your relationship is to be changed to the better, your fight must not be directed against your partner. Decide today to change your point of view: instead of against your partner, stand next to him to fight side by side against the problem that divides you.
Happy Relationship in 7 Steps - Invest in Today your happier marriage:
Take time for change! Your happy relationship takes time!
Admittedly, good changes in a relationship take more than just seven days. But at the same time it's amazing what you can break in seven days.
Seven days of fighting and all you hope might be gone where before you were quite happy. In seven days, however, some things may be healed again, or at least better.
Seven days or seven steps:
Don't judge your partner - neither of you are perfect.
Talk about everything like a team, not enemies.
Spend free time together more than once or twice a week (although it may be hard at first - you've enjoyed it before. You'll enjoy it again!)
Enjoy laughing together – also about your weaknesses. Humor says: It's okay, I love you anyway! But avoid cynicism.
Be unconditionally honest - set your heart on being honest.
Be unconditionally faithful - inwardly align yourself with absolute faithfulness.
Consciously take time for intimacy - or time to improve the climate between you.
Which of these points is important to you and your relationship? Are there any points that you would like to change? start today
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