The fuel that your marriage conflicts are made of

There are all kinds of problems in marriages that cause relationships to go bad. Because, of course, there are two unique people struggling with each other (or against each other).

But there is definitely one problem that everyone has. And all the other marriage problems are constantly feeding this problem.

But before I go any further, one important thing first: what I'm not including here about relationship problems are problems like abuse of power, violence, infidelity, and extreme emotional injuries, that destroys your soul. That's a topic of its own, which I definitely don't want to dismiss as a trifle.

"I'll never forgive you!"

The marriage problem I want to talk about here is not forgiving. To not forgive your partner has incredible power. If all your marriage problems could be put in a vial of poison, the problem of "not forgiving" would definitely take 80%'s place.

Maybe your relationship is threatened by problems? Then I want to encourage you to get rid of the "I don't forgive" problem first.

80/20 rule

I found that the 80/20 rule (Pareto principle) established by the Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto (1848-1923) can be of help here. He found the following: To finish the first 80% of a task it takes 20% of the total energy you need to complete that task.

To reach the remaining 20%, that is, to get to 100%, you need 80% of the energy that this task takes in total. That means the last 20%, to reach the point where you can say it's perfect, will cost the most energy (four times as much!).

This is an ingenious brain teaser so that you don't get bogged down with tasks in your studies, household, job, etc. through perfectionism. But thinking a little differently, you can also apply the principle to your relationship:

If you want to start improving your relationship, it makes sense to focus on the area that takes relatively little life energie to bring the biggest impact.

Because not all problems have the same negative “impact”.

So "fixing" a constant problem between the two of you might not do much good to notice an improvement. Because as soon as this is eliminated, a new one comes marching along to takes the place of the previous problem.

For example:

• An expensive, romantic vacation is really great and I would never consider turning down the offer.
  But: It means a huge effort of energy with uncertain outcome (does it really improve the relationship?)

• If I keep getting annoyed that my husband doesn't wipe the table or take out the trash, I can try to "train" him to change.
  But: That means a lot of energy is required with quite questionable outcome. (I hear men don't like to be trained 😉 - of course that doesn't mean, you can't talk about everyday "problems" and grow together. But the point I want to make, is that it would be so much more effective to get rid of the constant anger first)

Those unsolvable 20% of poison in your relationship are not the main problem. The main problem is that you don't let go of this demand on your partner:

"You should be better for me! You should have been better for me!"

Forgiving: the problem solver with the greatest impact

If you want to get rid of a problem that will make a huge difference, get rid of the "I don't forgive" problem first.

Why is this area so huge? Because this problem gets its energy of all other problems and like a tick sucks them out to the last drop. It lives on the other problems.

Many people have had the idea of eliminating all problems so that this problem no longer has any fodder.

Most of the time it ends with the successful removal of the old spouse and the introduction of a new partner with whom there really is no conflict that needs forgiving.

Because there's just nothing he or she did wrong. At least until the first real conflict comes...

The fact that this problem of not forgiving has such a big impact can be good or bad news for you now. It is bad if you are not willing to learn to forgive.

But it's good when you're willing to get better at forgiving. Then you can experience how with removing only one Problem you slowly reduce most of the negative feelings that accompany all the problems in a relationship.

Tit for tat?

Your partner made a mistake or offended you? Each of these injuries presents you with a new decision: How will you deal with it? Will you hold on to the anger and be sulky for hours or maybe for days?

Every single situation is absolutely crucial! When you hold the other person's guilt firmly in your memory, you train yourself to be really bad at forgiving.

A little worse each time. After a month it's not so tragic. After ten years, it's catastrophic.

If you don't like to forgive others, you're probably not much better at forgiving yourself. How hard are you on yourself when you make a mistake?

Jesus describes unforgiveness as a prison you put yourself in.

Only Jesus can effectively help me out of this dilemma in a way that really liberates and inspires me. His death and resurrection is not just a nice story, but has real power to to change your history - if you want it. Through Jesus you can start to react in new ways when you or others fail or hurt each other.

"As God treats me, so will I treat myself and my partner"

I experienced this particularly years ago when our children were very small and I was so pissed at my husband because of an argument. With my baby in my arms I sat there so angry and I wanted to stay angry too. But I heard God's call within me: "Forgive him".

So after a while I said to God that I wanted to let go of the anger. It started with accepting that it's okay if my husband makes mistakes, and me too. God invited me to trust him. He would fight for the truth in this argument between us. He would fight for us . I knew he would do that, so I opened my heart for God to move in me, which I had done so many times.

On this day, however, the contrast was so incredibly strong for me. Maybe because I was holding a little baby in my arms, lying there peacefully. And inside me there was raging anger. But after that conversation with God, my anger completely dissolved and I was at peace. I still resolved the dispute with my husband. but how I went into the conversation had completely changed.

To forgive means to be free!

In other situations I didn't always feel it so blatantly. But this experience motivated me incredibly to trust and follow the God who wants to give me peace.

And over the years I've gotten better at forgiving faster. Of course, this doesn't always work out so well. And for me, time with God is the most important thing. I have to run to him when my heart hurts because someone hurt me. And then he heals that pain. That's who he is. And that's what he promised.

Because that is his character: He is a God who sees my weaknesses and is happy to forgive me. If I want his forgiveness.

But that's why I like being with him so much. Because I know no matter what: He doesn't blame me about my mistakes. But he encourages and empowers me to change with the inner strength he gives. This Strength makes it possible for me to change.

That's how he is. And that's how I can treat myself and my partner.

So how can you practically deal with the weaknesses of your partner or those around you?

Love yourself as God loves you

One of the most famous verses in the Bible reads: God loved you so much that he in Jesus came into the world for you, so that if you believe in him you will live forever and be free (Jn 3:16 ).

God's love is the source. When his love for you doesn't become a reality, forgiveness becomes difficult. He has to show you his love and you have to experience it in order for something to change.

So: Are you a person who has understood that you have to eat every day to stay alive? Then also take time to feed your heart with God's love for you daily. Here's how it works: Invite him to show you today who he is and how he loves you. And ask him to show you how to forgive.

Take time to read the Bible. Make some space in your everyday life for God. Just like you make room in your daily schedule to eat and drink. This is also the reason why to pray before meals. with that prayer you're saying, "God, my heart needs you like my body needs food."

God just loves you so much and is so happy to help you when you come to him. His power can do what yours can't. And then the next step can come:

love your neighbor as yourself

God has no problem with you and your partner being limited and making mistakes. But he has a problem with you pretending that your guilt and your partner's guilt aren't a problem. Guilt is a problem and it must be taken to God. Because only he can properly dispose of this "hazardous waste".

Are you and your partner too different? The problem here is not your difference. The problem is that you don't forgive your partner for being so different.

When your partner hurts or upsets you, turn to God and trust Him. Give him the guilt, anger and pain. He will fight for you. You may not notice a huge difference every day or so. But after a time you will look back with certainty and say: With God I prevented a catastrophe!

God is serious

"Be merciful, as your father is merciful . And do not judge, so that you will not be judged either” (Luke 6:36f).

God takes the problem of unforgiving seriously. He cares about your heart. Is there anything that can keep you from God's forgiveness? Yes, if you don't forgive others. Jesus was extremely clear on that.

Your heart is so valuable so its worth it to forgive others and yourself! You may be wondering why God is so harsh when it comes to forgiving?

Well, the whole thing about dying on the cross was focused on one thing: that God forgives you and stays true even though you don't deserve it.

This is the great message of every single Christian: “I am a sinner and God has forgiven me! He made me righteous!” And your marriage should also express this: I love my partner and remain faithful to him, even if he doesn't always deserve it.

Your heart will never heal if you cheat your way around this topic.

If you are a Christian and that is not your message, then I would advise you to reconsider your faith. Perhaps in forgiving you will discover what you have been missing all these years.

If you are not a Christian then become one! Jesus is the best thing that will ever happen to you because his love is incomparable.

Not forgiven: the biggest problem?

So is the biggest problem in your relationship really not forgiving? Of course I don't see your relationship and I don't know what has already happened. But I do know one thing: my love for my husband shrinks rapidly when I start to hold grudges and blame him (internally or verbally).

Not forgiving is and remains one of the greatest problems facing humanity.

Of course, forgiving doesn't make all other problems in your marriage go away at once. But their negative power will definitely be reduced.

God wants to heal relationships. He loves your marriage. He loves you and has hope for you.

Anita