problems

trust god? Why theoretical trust is pointless- 2

/ Anita

Part 2

Gott vertrauen
By ljcor from Pixabay

trust god? My last blog was about the question of whether God deserves your trust at all: How does he want to work in your life? Is God Really Good? This blog is about: How do you deal with negative thoughts? What can you change in your thinking to become free? And how do you learn to relax with God so that you really feel what you believe: that God's love drives away the panic, fear and heaviness in you.

expose lying thoughts

Have you discovered lies that keep you from trusting God? Remember, there are reasons to be suspicious. God is not disappointed that you do not trust him. He never had the wrong idea of who you are and what you think.

But he absolutely wants to rid you of the lying thoughts that keep you from trusting. With Adam and Eve the lie was: “God is greedy and greedy for power. Therefore he forbids us the fruits that bring knowledge.” They believed the lie, and that lie caused suspicion in their hearts. Distrust was just like the pus from a wound, the lie was the splinter.

Getting rid of pus and leaving the sprout in has never been a good idea. Wondering about the pus is stupid. Bitching about someone's pus is even more stupid.

The splinter has to come out, then the wound will heal.

The lie has to come out, then your heart can finally trust God more and more

Find these lies with God's help and make a trade with him.

3 C's: catch, cancel, change

The other day I was listening to a podcast by Holly Bray where she talked about the 3 C's. It was about dealing with negative thoughts. In English, these stood for Catch - Cancel - Change (catch - cancel - change).

That reminded me a lot of 2 Cor 10:3-5. At this point, Paul is dealing with people who have spread lies among Christians about him and their faith in Jesus. In his argument he writes about how he fights against the spread of these lies by the people:

“We may live in this world, but that doesn't mean that we fight as the world fights. 4 The weapons with which we fight our battle are not the weapons of this world. They are weapons from resounding powerwho serve, in service for God hostile forts to destroy. Bring with these weapons we arbitrary thought building to collapse 5 and (we) tear every obstacle, no matter how high, that stands in the way of true knowledge of God. All that selfish thinking we capture, that it may become obedient to Christ.”

His argument at this point was probably with other people. But I notice that this struggle, as he describes it, also takes place in my thinking almost daily:

In my head, too, little men sometimes run around and spread their thoughts about God and the world, about me and my mistakes, etc. Thoughts just come like that. And after the thought has been there for a while, it causes the corresponding feelings as well.

This can make everyday life very tiring. Because negative thoughts create negative feelings. But there are really helpful truths that can help you manage your thoughts and feelings better.

destructive lies = fear and despair vs.
God's thoughts = peace and hope

The ideas can be divided into two groups:

There are thoughts that come from God's heart and correspond to his nature. We humans generally refer to these thoughts as positive thoughts.

This is how Christians and non-Christians perceive it: “You are loved and valuable, nice that you exist, don’t give up, you are great, I have forgiven you, a new beginning is possible today, look around: you see, how beautiful the world is?..."

And then there are thoughts that already feel like darkness and confusion: "What are you even on this earth for? Who's gonna miss you? You are an ugly person. you'll never make it Why keep fighting? That's no use anyway. Nothing will ever change – except for the worse.” These thoughts are squarely opposed to God's mind and heart, and are actively fighting the faith in your heart.

Trust God: He addresses difficult issues with love

Is there nothing then that God will ever criticize about you? Yes, it is really important that God corrects you and me and that I am also open to correction. Otherwise it's doom for you and me.

But when the Holy Spirit works change in you, He does it with His Peace and His Love working together. But first you have to believe that it's okay if you make mistakes.

Do you believe deep in your heart that it's terrible when you make a mistake? Then it also feels terrible to admit your mistakes in front of you, God and other people.

The first step to freedom is this: identify the bad thought in your heart.

Gott vertrauen: du darfst Fehlerhaft sein

As I said, you will not find bad fruit on a good tree and nothing good will grow on a bad tree.

God's power is at work in you and wants to help you to break through destructive thought fortresses, buildings and obstacles, to bring them down and tear them down.

Are you struggling with smug ("I'm so great!") or self-defeating ("Why am I not so great?!") thoughts? You can "catch" them through Jesus and subordinate them to Jesus: He is the highest and most worthy person - and still your servant. There's not much room for pride.

HOW TO TRUST AND HOW NOT TO

So now you've discovered thoughts that keep you from trusting. What can you do?

If you have found sentences in yourself that make trust difficult, you have found in these sentences at the same time what you believe. Because the thought in you that God z. B. asking you to be perfect is your true belief.

Your deepest thoughts are your true beliefs. If someone asks you what you believe in, share your deepest thoughts with them.

If you were extremely uncomfortable because they didn't agree at all with what your beliefs actually are, you can be happy: you've finally found the splinter!

Fake relax

Imagine sitting in a chair and saying, "This chair is amazing! There is no one better or more stable.” But in reality you think this chair is too rickety to support your weight for more than two minutes.

Gott vertrauen: er trägt dich
by Mike Bird from Pexels

Therefore, you will not put your weight on the chair, you will just pretend to be sitting. How cozy would that be? You can proclaim with faith all you want, “I'm so glad to have this chair in my life. Life would be so exhausting without this chair. I could never really rest.”

After two minutes at the most, people around you would probably notice your muscles starting to tremble. And after five minutes, even the last person would have noticed that you don't look relaxed at all and this chair of yours doesn't even remotely live up to its promises.

God wants to be your favorite chair

God is like this chair. And he really doesn't enjoy it if you are living a life where you just pretend to be leaning on him. He wants to carry you with all your burdens.

Do you know this verse: "Without faith it is impossible to please God" (Hebrews 11:6). Why is it that without faith you cannot please God? Precisely because God wants to be your chair on which you can throw your whole life weight.

If a chair had thoughts, it might not like it at all if a person never really sat down, but rather half-standing. That also looks silly. A chair is designed to carry you.

God has a purpose for you too themselves determined who he wants to be for you. He wants to be your shepherd, your water, your food, your strength, your father, your lover, your provider, your king, your boss, your prince of peace, your hope and your source of life.

What is left for you to do? Lean on him with all your life, burdens, failures and sin and accept who he is.

Trust in theory

You alone decide whether you trust theoretically or practically. You can trust God all your life like a person who never really sits down in the chair.

Let me tell you: this is going to be a terribly exhausting life. Maybe your faith is just as exhausting? Then have the courage: sit down, get to know God better. God invites you to trust because he will really carry you and is actually good.

By Allec Gomes from Pexels

Every thought that comes to your mind that suggests you don't trust is answered by you every time, very often with a "Yes, that's right". Your thoughts only change when you give these thoughts a different answer inwardly:

"I made a mistake! But I have to do everything right!” – “No, I live by his grace. He is so faithful and has forgiven my debt. He makes me new!”

“Even God can no longer change anything. It is too late.” – “No, what is impossible with man is possible with God.”

"My heart just cannot believe." - No, for no word that comes from God will be of no power" (Luke 1:37).

trust god

Where do you trust God only theoretically? Did you become aware of new things? Write things down and bring them to God. Ask him to help you and see the truth. He helps!

What are your inner sentences like? Continue your list and find the answer to your doubts in the Bible. And then decide to accept what God says as truth.

In the end it remains that: your decision. He gave you strength and his truth. Do you trust in its power and truth? Then pretend today that you believe it.

Nothing is more worthwhile than saying goodbye to a life in which you theoretically trust God - and finding your way to a life in which you can let your whole weight fall on God because you know for sure: He takes care of you ! (1 Peter 5:7).

Question to God: Show me where I only trust you theoretically... what have you become aware of?

Trusting God - Why you theoretically trust God - Part 1

Is God carrying you or are you still faking?

/ Anita

Does God carry you? Fakeing trust and how it affects you

How is it actually to trust God? So many Christians walk through their lives with God, but rarely experience His peace or the power He has promised for those who walk with Him. How can this happen? And above all: What has to happen so that you and I can experience more of God and what he wants to give us?

Imagine sitting in a chair and saying, "This chair is amazing! There is no better or more stable chair in the world.” But in reality you think this chair is too fragile to support your weight for more than two minutes. This will result in you never putting your weight fully on the chair, just pretending to sit. How cozy would that be? It doesn't matter how much you proclaim with "faith": “I am so glad to have this chair in my life. Life would be so exhausting without this chair. I could never really rest.”

Trägt Gott dich?

After two minutes at the most, people around you would probably notice your muscles starting to tremble. And after five minutes, even the last person would have noticed that you don't look relaxed at all and this chair of yours doesn't even remotely live up to its promises.

May God carry you?

God is like this chair. And he really doesn't enjoy it if you are living a life where you just pretend to be leaning on him. He wants to carry you with all your burdens.

Do you know this verse: "Without faith it is impossible to please God" (Hebrews 11:6). Why is it that without faith you cannot please God? Well, exactly because of this fact: God wants to be like a chair for you on which you can throw yourself along with your whole weight of life too. If a chair had thoughts, it might not like it at all if a person never really sat down, but stayed in a half-standing position. Besides it looks really silly. A chair is designed to carry you. Thats its purpose.

God also has definded a purpose for himself, who he wants to be for you. He wants to be your shepherd, your water, your food, your strength, your father, your lover, your provider, your king, your boss, your prince of peace, your hope and your source of life.

What is left for you to do? Lean on him with all your life, burdens, failures and sin and accept who he is.

Love to love God

Stress in parenting and marriage? Let go of control!

/ Anita / Leave a comment

Do you have a lot of stress in your marriage/relationship and raising your kids? Do you often get into loud arguments at home? Do mistakes from people and situations that went wrong bother you for a very long time? Do you often try to prevent all problems and difficulties, and panic when something doesn't go really well?

Stress in Ehe und Erziehung? Versuch nicht den Sturm zu kontrollieren sondern dich selbst
By Lena Khrupina from Pexels

I want to encourage you not to accept that. Because there is a better way to live.

letting go of the need to control others

When people fail or things go wrong, you always have a choice in how you deal with it. That's far more important than what's going wrong right now. If life has one thing in store for you, it's this: storms.

So don't waste your energy wishing for a life of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, but do the only thing that makes sense: become internally "stormproof". The first step to do this is to let go of the need to control others.

Only control what can be controlled!

So many situations in life bring stress. I don't know what your life is like right now: What went terribly wrong? What are the situations where you or someone close to you failed?

Or did things happen that no one was responsible for? How can you deal with such situations without them stressing and triggering you for years to come? That's what this blog is about.

Perfect birth?

When our first daughter was born a lot went wrong. The birth lasted all night, partly because the midwife didn't give me the right advice. I had no idea, it was my first birth.

The next morning it was finally time. Our daughter was lying on my stomach. But I couldn't enjoy it much because I my pains just grew worse every minute. At some point I couldn't take it anymore. The pain got so intense that I just wanted to faint.

I had a complication so I had to have an emergency surgery.

Shortly after I woke up, the doctors and midwives noticed that our daughter was not breathing well. Later it became clear that she got infected with streptococci during birth.

Stress in Ehe und Erziehung? Gib die Kontrolle an Gott ab.
Baby Feet by Rene Asmussen from Pexels

Why hadn't anyone noticed that before? There had been a streptococci test 2 days befor birth and it was positive! I could tell from the faces of the doctors and midwives that they had overlooked it. A short time later, our daughter was transferred to the intensive care unit. We didn't get to see her again until the next day and only very rarely in the days that followed.

I was discharged home in a state of complete exhaustion. Fresh out of the operating room, I was supposed to drive to the hospital for a few hours every day to take care of my child. Only after strenuous discussions was I able to at least get a bed with our daughter in the intensive care unit.

letting go of control

Stress in Ehe und Erziehung? Lass die Kontrolle über deine Mitmenschen los!
by geralt from Pixabay

There is so much potential for inner stress and anxiety in this experience. I had heard the sentence over and over again: “The first few hours are so important for the mother-child bond. If you miss it, you can never make up for it!"

Only now did I realize what a terrible claim that was. So many parents and especially mothers are being pressured with such words while they are already struggling with a difficult birth. But I was then and still am convinced that this is simply not true. Us humans are not like a small and fragile plant that breaks off in the slightest storm. We are robust. And although babies are very needy, they still are people.

This situation could have sent me into great inner stress that would have haunted me, maybe even to this day: "What if my relationship with my daughter suffers forever?"

Stress? Discover God's invitation to become free and surrender control to him

But this experience also has another potential:

I had to decide in that moment: do I trust God or do I trust fear?

I'm so glad I chose God. I was able to let go and trust: "Even if a lot went wrong here: God is with us, with me and with our child and is stronger than our problems."

I was able to experience that my trust in God carries me. He is the one who makes me strong. Despite this difficult situation.

I know that this situation may be ridiculous compared to the problems that are attacking you. But even if your problems are far greater, there is one who is a master at handling your problems, too. 

A ship does not sink because of the water that surrounds it...

Life is full of situations, that we cannot control. The first impulse in Problems is usually to want to control the situation. In many areas this makes perfect sense. For example, it's really good to react quickly when the basement is full of water. It's all about getting the problem under control.

Stress in Ehe und Erziehung? Kontrollieren was Kontrollierbar ist
By Giada Venturino from Pexels

In other situations, however, this is not really possible. It is not in your hands that your partner makes the right decisions for your relationship.

Many people are unaware of this problem: the longer the list gets of things you want to control, the more your inner stress and panic will increase.

This panic only surfaces when something “gets out of control”. Is this inner stress, panic and pain just unavoidable? With no way out?

I am convinced that the God who made you has a way out for you.

God's silent influence

One of the greatest positive influences you can have on your family, children, partner or friends is making room for God in your relationship and family.

This is the first and most important step in order to learn to let go of control. What can that look like? This is not about a meditative approach: as if everything is unimportant or the goal is detachment from all goals and human difficulties. On the contrary.

It's about discovering that in God you have a wonderful friend and advocate who fights for you, experiences your pain and stands by your side. He loves you passionately and is strong enough to help you. Only when you actively give him your burden can you be relieved of your burden. This is often necessary on a daily basis, as pain always accumulates or wells up again. If you try it without him, you either carry the burden wherever you go or you run the risk of becoming indifferent to life.

Stress in Ehe und Erziehung? lass Gott rein und Kontrolle los
By thomas68 from Pixabay

A ship does not sink because of the water that surrounds it. It sinks because of the water that gets in the ship.
Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.

You as a human being were created to master difficult situations - hand in hand with your God who fights for you. So is your child. Trust him: he fights and wins for you. That's why you don't have to be afraid of difficult situations.

Therefore, never make it your greatest goal in life not to have problems. That only brings stress.

Welcome to God's world

Everyone lives in relationships with people that are uncontrollable. Computers are predictable. Animals are in many situations quite predictable too. But humans are completely different.

In these relationships we experience what God experiences with us humans. Because he created you free, to live the way you want to. And he doesn't control you.

A chicken I can it does what all chicken do, because its instinct determines it. You as a person are different. God created you to be like himself. Therefore, you can voluntarily choose to have a relationship with him or not.

The relationships you live in are the same. Your relationship can be beautiful if your partner stays with you voluntarily. Your relationship with your children can be free and joyful when they choose to listen to you.

When you marry, you enter into a contract with someone who is unpredictable. And when you then have children, you bring little people into the world who again are one thing: completely unpredictable. You have no idea what will become of them.

Stress in Ehe und Erziehung? versuchst du Menschen zu kontrollieren?
By Agostino Toselli from Pexels

Peace instead of stress: learn to parent without controlling

You can imagine as much as you want what will become of your child. But that doesn't change the fact: you can't control it. Of course you can try to control your child. However, this will bring stress into your relationship that is very destructive.

Nobody shows us who we are
and what's really inside of us, like our own children.

When we had our children, I was surprised how such a tiny person managed to create so much anger in me. It simply didn't have to do what I needed it to do or what was good for the child. Kids don't respect your boundaries as parents at all!

Until you had children, there probably wasn't someone like that in your life: someone who doesn't respect it at all when you say: "I can't take it anymore, I need a break". You have to get used to that first. Kids just keep doing what they shouln't and toddlers just throw themselves on the floor more stubborn than before.

By Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

My children really confronted me with my weaknesses. Even more than my husband. And that's really good. Because that's how growth happens. Nothing is worse than a life without growth. But then comes this realization that many parents probably have: "I love it best when everything goes my way :-)."

Letting go of control in parenting

Dany Silk describes the difference between controlling and parenting very well in his book Loving our kids on purpose.

The message we send to our children is clear: “I cannot control you. I can't control your appetite. I can't control your study habits. I can't control your respect. I can't control the tongue in your mouth. I can't control your attitude. I can't control anything from you. I can set some boundaries. I have some pretty cool tools to use when you mess up, but I want you to learn fast that your side of our relationship is yours. Your life is yours and you must learn how to live with it because there will come a day when I won't be there."

Loving our kids on purpose, p.140

There's no point trying to control your kids...it just increases stress for you and your kids. It's far better to give your kids a choice with clear boundaries.

Is your child not cleaning up their room? Sure, you can scold and get upset. And maybe you will also achieve what you want: that your child tidies up. But you haven't changed anything about your child's attitude.

The other way is: you set limits that you can live with: “Your task today is to eat this meal without fuss. If you don't do that, you'll help me clean up the kitchen for half an hour. I can live with both.”

It might make sense for you to come up with other consequences. What fits into your everyday life? Consequences where you end up paying the price are usualy bad. Consequences that last longer than a day are also difficult to overlook and keep up with.

Control yourself and the conflict, not your child or spouse

“There is nothing wrong with being different. Learn to allow those around you to be themselves and you to be yourself. Then you are well on your way to removing the deadly element of control from your relationships!”
Danny Silk, Author of loving our kids on purpose

The important thing is: get the conflict situation under control, not your child or partner! Your child must then freely decide whether to continue fighting against you and the rules or whether to accept the rules.

But kids are incredibly smart. They won't constantly choose situations where they end up having to clean up for an hour.

How do you know you're in control of the situation? When you are no longer extremely stressed about the situation, but still knowthat you will reach your goal or (with your partner) will find a solution.

Wanting to be in control brings stress, especially in your marriage and parenting

If I as a person tend to want to control people, this of course applies to all relationships, including marriage. Unfortunately, controlling your spouse is no less problematic. Do you often get upset with your partner? Very often the reason is that he or she is not acting the way you want him/ her to. If you want to get out of this, you have to ask yourself: do I allow my partner to make mistakes? Is my partner allowed to be imperfect?

Here are a few questions for personal reflection:

  • Am I allowed to make mistakes?
  • Is my partner allowed to make mistakes?
  • How afraid am I of what other people will think of me or my partner when he does something wrong?
  • In everyday life, do I spend a lot of time thinking of fears of the future or sadnesses of the past?”
  • I often think: If only things had gone differently back then. That was such an important day!

Did you answer yes to many of these sentences? Then tell yourself:

“Today is actually the most important day. How I live and think today determines how I evaluate and feel about the past and the future.

That decides whether my inner boat of life sinks filled with water or sails strong and safe through the storms of life.”

I hope you have a day where you bravely take new steps towards freedom. Do not give up! There is hope 🙂

Anita

Love being a mom/dad
Love Your Marriage

Happy relationship? Invest in these 7 steps

/ Anita / 1 Comment
Glückliche Beziehung? Investiere 7 Schritte

In seven days to a happier marriage?

Okay, that's a steep claim: A happier marriage in just 7 days. A week whizzes by in fast motion as I feel like I'm moving in slo-mo. So what can I get done in a week? ...let alone change!?

One week - little amount of time, but an incredible amount can change in just seven days. Every day has potential for something new: good and bad. And let's be honest: it only takes a couple of minutes to end up in a masiv argument...

So: nothing will be perfect in a week (not even in a century). But seven days can become seven steps that can make your relationship a bit happier.

Your "I" from the past can help you to rediscover something: How did you manage to fall in love with your partner in the first place?

At the Registry office

At our civil wedding in 2004, the registrar expressed such a stupid wish for us that it stuck with me: "I hope that your marriage will be like a walk on a beach where the sun always shines and that there'll never be a stormy day .” I don't remember anything else from the speech, apart from this wish.

Utopia is more realistic than that wish! If that were my expectation of my marriage, I wouldn't have had to wait long for the first thunderstorm. And the shock of this thunderstorm is greater, the more exaggerated the expectations towards my relationship are.

Maybe that's the reason why you're asking yourself whether it makes (or made) any sense to get married at all, if sooner or later it's going to break anyway and everything's screwed up?

That's why I want to tell you today: your marriage is much tougher than you might think. A lot can be healed again without your relationship having to break up. And there are some things you can do to make your marriage or relationship weatherproof.

Poorly or poorly maintained?

If you think of your relationship as poorly, it's usually more accurate to say, "My marriage is poorly maintained' - poorly maintained by you, your partner, or both of you. This difference is really important. After all, simply “making your relationship good” in an unhappy marriage might seem difficult. But to take better care of a poorly maintained relationship is something everyone can do! And that has an effect.

The headline deliberately says "happier". The word "happy" is way too static, as if there is one condition a in this world that describes a happy relationship. But the happiest marriage suddenly becomes sad when one or both partners make decisions that hurt the relationship. And a poor marriage can suddenly feel happier when one or both make positive changes.

Happy Relationship: Invest in 7 Steps in the Right Direction!

These following 7 points are like a compass for me in my marriage. When things get a little difficult between my husband and me, I think, alright, which area of our relationship is being neglected right now? And then I or we refocus. Because like with a compass, simply the rough direction has to be right. Staying 100% on course would be terribly tedious and an unnecessary waste of energy. Our relationships are not that delicate.

7 Tage um deine Ehe wieder richtig auszurichen
Photo by Bakr Magrabi on Pexels.com

7 Things You Can Learn From Your Former Loved One

I hope that these seven tips can also help you and your relationship. Are 7 points too much for you? No problem! The former "you" that once was in love knows how to do it! Just remember: what were you like when you fell in love with your partner? One who is madly in love knows how "love" works. Being in love seems like a tutorial from God programmed into our DNA: "Loving for Dummies!", as if he says: "Now I'll show you how it works with love, and then you can carry on yourself". A starter set for loving, so to speak.

7 tips for staying in love:

1. Don't judge your partner for not being perfect (for you). Neither are you.

Lovers are only too good at this: ignoring each other's weaknesses... sometimes against all reason.
Relationship researcher John Gottman describes contempt as the absolute destroyer of love. When he observes contempt in a marriage, he doesn't give the relationship much hope.

If feelings of contempt were a plant, then condemnation or judging is its root. For most roots, cutting off the leaves is of little use. Then new ones grow. The root has to come out.

Judging is easy:
You see your partner's weaknesses and don't understand them.

"I just can't understand why you're like that. I wouldn't be as stupid as you if I were you. And you have no excuse for being like this.” That, I would say, is the essence of judging someone.

With understanding you would say: “That is a problem in you. But I love you anyway."

This is why judgment is so destructive: the more you criticize your partner without understanding, the more you will only see the bad and what he or she is doing wrong.

Verurteilen zerstört deine Ehe bombensicher. Vergeben heilt
By Wendelin Jacober from Pexels

If you plan to destroy your marriage, do it with judgment! Judgment has a 100% success guarantee. Judgment kills any feeling of love you have for your partner; and in time his love for you will die too.

But change is possible. The solution, however, is not to simply stop saying anything critical. It's more about your thinking. Take some time today to think about what you criticize about your partner.

And this time, take a critical look at yourself! Are you perfect that you have the right to judge your partner? If your answer is "yes," then it's actually "no." Because a "perfect" 😉 person knows that they are not perfect and do not have the right to judge the people around them.

And then take your inner compass and turn from "I judge my partner" to "I don't want to judge my partner anymore".

2. Talks about everything

Don't judge, but still talk. Without taboos. But the basic attitude is important: "We don't fight each other", but: "We fight side by side against our problem!" I find the muzzle for conversations quite exhausting. Don't say: "...", but say it like this: "...". In conversations with my husband (or even with good friends), I don't want to constantly pay attention to every word I say, so that I don't say anything wrong.

The basic setting in your heart is the key. You can say everything correctly with this "mr.-perfect-language" and have a crappy inner attitude. So you are unassailable, because you didn't say anything wrong. But that doesn't get anyone anywhere. We need honest conversations.

Show your heart and be honest - also to yourself. But with a huge portion of mercy for the other - and also for yourself... without judgment, but with a heart that wants to find a good solution for both of you. Because it's not about you just getting your will. You will be happy if you and your partner are happy with the outcome of a conversation.

Conversations with my husband are at their best when I'm no longer angry. When I had time to think a bit and figure out what the or my problem is. Of course, that doesn't always work. But it makes sense to get comfortabe while we argue. Why not have a glass of wine or a cup of tea or coffee while you're at it? Life is too short to argue without celebrating. 😉

Glückliche Beziehung? Investiere 7 Schritte: zeit zu zweit
By cottonbro from pexels

3. Have purposeless time together

Lovers know one thing to do: spend as much time as possible with each other. At all (im)possible times. Like running a WhatsApp call through the night while you sleep. Back then you knew what was important to get closer and get to know each other.

Then life happens. And there is a great danger of forgetting:

It is still important to spend enough free time together,
to stay close to each other and not forget who the other is.
You need time to still know each other come next month.

And the time in which you organize, tidy up, work, solve problems... doesn't count.

When you book an expensive vacation where you end up having to non stop work in the hotel kitchen, you feel screwed. The love between you also feels screwed when the time it takes for your love to stay alive is filled with only stress and work.

Learn from your former "you" that was in love . Within yourself lies the guide to staying happy and in love.

Sometimes free time is difficult to find or sometimes even impossible. Of course that's okay. But if "no time" becomes the new way of living, your marriage might suffer. If your marriage is a ship, then its harbour is free time spent together.

It doesn't end well when a ship just keeps sailing on without time for repairs. The sentence "It just wasn't possible to spend free time together" has a bitter echo when you have to watch the ship sink into the depths of the ocean. But the good thing is: the port is only one decision away.

Haven't you had a relaxing time together for a long time? Get started this week! In the beginning it probably doesn't feel very relaxed. But over time it gets nicer. Just don't give up. My husband and me consider one or two evenings a week (or a few hours during the day if evenings are not possible) to be the minimum.

4. Love humor - avoid cynicism

Glückliche Beziehung? Investiere 7 Schritte
By Mikhail Nilov from Pexels

Humor is a divine superpower. Maybe I'm a bit biased as I love humor and have an extremely humorous husband (now also two sometimes overly humorous teenagers...). But humor is like medicine to take life easier. There is so much difficulty in the world and in one's own life. But humor makes things so much easier.

Humor is a person's attitude
who rises above his problems like a warrior and still laughs.

The opposite is persistent "dead seriousness" or cynical remarks about each other's weaknesses. A warrior's attitude is what enables you to stand up and change your situation. Nevertheless, I can't just laugh easily when it tears me apart inside.

Personally, the only way I can do it is: I invite God into the situation that is bothering me. When I make room for God in my mind, it's like He's saying, “Hey, it's not that bad. I'll make things better!"

This phrase above your marriage has a lot of power; especially when you hear it from God's mouth. Then, little by little, the seriousness of a bad argument dissolves and you can still laugh.

Maybe you know other ways. But it is logical to turn to God. He is the inventor of beautiful, liberating humor.

5. Be honest

Honesty is such a thing. I wish the seller would be honest with me. My partner and my children should also be honest with me. But when push comes to shove, one thing applies: I treat myself to a little white lie every now and then. Does that apply to you? Then I want to tell you:

It really makes sense to align your inner compass with honesty! Because: Small dishonesties mean that your partner can never be sure what else is not true between you. For:

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. That's a very simple saying with incredible truth. In any relationship, the foundation of trust is lost without honesty.

But it doesn't stop there when your partner can no longer trust your words.

Lies and secrets simmer in your heart and take your breath away. Because the question remains: "Will everything be over when this gets out?" You could swallow a small dose of poison every day and probably live healthier than with secrets and dishonesty.

But what if a big pile of lies has already piled up?

Perhaps it is impossible to bring everything out in the open. But this one thing a everyone can do: Starting today, set your inner compass to honesty! "I want to be a (loving!) honest partner." And you can ask God to help you bring the truth to light.

Another problem with little white lies is that if I don't try to be honest in unimportant situations, I will be tempted to lie in important moments too.

The other day my husband asked where his old slippers had gone. I'm not sure, but it's possible I threw them away. Because I remember that: They were definitely ready for the bin.

Now I had to make a decision. Do I just say, “I have no idea where you put them?” Or do I tell the truth, “I don't know for sure. But I may have thrown them away.” Well. With being honest I was off worse.

On the outside this seems like a pretty small thing - but on the inside it's not: I've gotten a little bit better at telling the truth, even when it's uncomfortable or embarrassing.

I hear one sentence more often when it comes to lying: "I'm not harming anyone with it". Yes, sometimes that might be true. But in doing so, you forget someone you always harm: yourself. lying changes you, a little tiny bit every time without you noticing. And it doesn't take long until the difference between truth and lie gets blurry.

Us humans are quite good at that – fooling ourselves. A powerful antidote to self-deception is truth. I heard a great saying the other day: "Sow a thought and you will reap an act, sow an act and you will reap a habit, sow a habit and you will reap a destiny."

6. Be faithful

A relationship without absolute faithfulness is like bungee jumping without a rope... There's just something missing. Yes, you have quite a bit of freedom if you allow yourself to be unfaithful, but the freedom doesn't last long. Pretty soon you hit the ground and what once was your family is now broken.

Even if you stay married, it's hard to pick up what's left of the relationship and enjoy it.
Still, it's not impossible to recover from a broken relationship. But it is extremely hard and the price is very high.

Glückliche Beziehung? Investiere 7 Schritte: Treue ist einer der 7 Schritte
By geralt from Pixabay

My loyalty to my husband and his to me begins with censoring my and his thoughts: Which mental cinema do I allow myself? What am I looking at? Pornography and fantasies about other partners are the beginning of infidelity. This is a door opener that only waits for one thing: the right opportunity to knock.

Personally, I don't get involved in friendships with other men and private meetings. My husband is my best friend. We see that as good protection. An infidelity doesn't happen overnight, but gradually over months by allowing another person to take my partner's place. Well, that's how we do it. ;-)

7. Make intimacy a priority

Imagine a room. This space is your relationship. The way you live relationship sets the temperature in that space, just like a thermostat. Is it hot? Or so cold that you can scratch off the ice from the inside of the window? Or is the temperature set in a way that both feel really comfortable in this room? If no one cares about the temperature, it will automatically become too cold (or too hot).

the intimacy in your relationship is in this comparision more like a thermometer. In bed you find out how your relationship is going. For a period of time, you or your partner can ignore or keep a bad "temperature" between you a secret. But sooner or later it becomes clear that something is wrong.

I've found that it's usually like this (with exceptions, of course): women have to feel loved in order to want intimacy. Men, on the other hand, feel loved when they have physical intimacy. This can quickly become a vicious circle.
Especially when the relationship is burdened by circumstances. But it doesn't have to.

The important thing is that both must try to take care of a well-adjusted temperature.
If it is important to you and your partner to give love to the other and not just expect love, it can work out well. If one only expects and the other only gives, then things will not go well in the long run.

Fulfilled intimacy means that both partners enjoy each other. In marriage you carry each other. In intimacy, you celebrates carrying and bearing eachother.

As soon as one partner feels unhappy in the relationship (rightly or wrongly), the "temperature of intimacy" gets too cold or too hot: Then you have to take care of the relationship again to set things "right".

Sometimes that means talking, "How do I feel about you? How do you think about me? Are we comfortable in our marriage? Do you despise me or do I despise you? Are you interested in my thoughts and feelings? And am I interested in yours?” Contempt and disinterest are guaranteed to put you in a bad mood in bed.

Whatever the conflict, you carry it to bed with you.

Or it's again time to spend more relaxed freetime together.

In any case, there is no point in expecting a good "temperature" between you without setting the temperature for it. If the mood is minus 10 °C, it doesn't do much to tap on the thermometer and pretend it's warm.

But it really helps to talk about the climate: "I can't be intimat precisely because of these reasons (...). But I understand you need this. What can we do that makes it feel right for both of us at the end of the day?”

The decisive factor here is again: if something in your relationship is to be changed to the better, your fight must not be directed against your partner. Decide today to change your point of view: instead of against your partner, stand next to him to fight side by side against the problem that divides you.

Glückliche Beziehung? Investiere 7 Schritte

Happy Relationship in 7 Steps - Invest in Today your happier marriage:

Take time for change! Your happy relationship takes time!

Admittedly, good changes in a relationship take more than just seven days. But at the same time it's amazing what you can break in seven days.

Seven days of fighting and all you hope might be gone where before you were quite happy. In seven days, however, some things may be healed again, or at least better.

Seven days or seven steps:

  1. Don't judge your partner - neither of you are perfect.
  2. Talk about everything like a team, not enemies.
  3. Spend free time together more than once or twice a week (although it may be hard at first - you've enjoyed it before. You'll enjoy it again!)
  4. Enjoy laughing together – also about your weaknesses. Humor says: It's okay, I love you anyway! But avoid cynicism.
  5. Be unconditionally honest - set your heart on being honest.
  6. Be unconditionally faithful - inwardly align yourself with absolute faithfulness.
  7. Consciously take time for intimacy - or time to improve the climate between you.

Which of these points is important to you and your relationship? Are there any points that you would like to change? start today

Anita

Love Your Marriage