Do you have a lot of stress in your marriage/relationship and raising your kids? Do you often get into loud arguments at home? Do mistakes from people and situations that went wrong bother you for a very long time? Do you often try to prevent all problems and difficulties, and panic when something doesn't go really well?

I want to encourage you not to accept that. Because there is a better way to live.

letting go of the need to control others

When people fail or things go wrong, you always have a choice in how you deal with it. That's far more important than what's going wrong right now. If life has one thing in store for you, it's this: storms.

So don't waste your energy wishing for a life of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, but do the only thing that makes sense: become internally "stormproof". The first step to do this is to let go of the need to control others.

Only control what can be controlled!

So many situations in life bring stress. I don't know what your life is like right now: What went terribly wrong? What are the situations where you or someone close to you failed?

Or did things happen that no one was responsible for? How can you deal with such situations without them stressing and triggering you for years to come? That's what this blog is about.

Perfect birth?

When our first daughter was born a lot went wrong. The birth lasted all night, partly because the midwife didn't give me the right advice. I had no idea, it was my first birth.

The next morning it was finally time. Our daughter was lying on my stomach. But I couldn't enjoy it much because I my pains just grew worse every minute. At some point I couldn't take it anymore. The pain got so intense that I just wanted to faint.

I had a complication so I had to have an emergency surgery.

Shortly after I woke up, the doctors and midwives noticed that our daughter was not breathing well. Later it became clear that she got infected with streptococci during birth.

Why hadn't anyone noticed that before? There had been a streptococci test 2 days befor birth and it was positive! I could tell from the faces of the doctors and midwives that they had overlooked it. A short time later, our daughter was transferred to the intensive care unit. We didn't get to see her again until the next day and only very rarely in the days that followed.

I was discharged home in a state of complete exhaustion. Fresh out of the operating room, I was supposed to drive to the hospital for a few hours every day to take care of my child. Only after strenuous discussions was I able to at least get a bed with our daughter in the intensive care unit.

letting go of control

There is so much potential for inner stress and anxiety in this experience. I had heard the sentence over and over again: “The first few hours are so important for the mother-child bond. If you miss it, you can never make up for it!"

Only now did I realize what a terrible claim that was. So many parents and especially mothers are being pressured with such words while they are already struggling with a difficult birth. But I was then and still am convinced that this is simply not true. Us humans are not like a small and fragile plant that breaks off in the slightest storm. We are robust. And although babies are very needy, they still are people.

This situation could have sent me into great inner stress that would have haunted me, maybe even to this day: "What if my relationship with my daughter suffers forever?"

Stress? Discover God's invitation to become free and surrender control to him

But this experience also has another potential:

I had to decide in that moment: do I trust God or do I trust fear?

I'm so glad I chose God. I was able to let go and trust: "Even if a lot went wrong here: God is with us, with me and with our child and is stronger than our problems."

I was able to experience that my trust in God carries me. He is the one who makes me strong. Despite this difficult situation.

I know that this situation may be ridiculous compared to the problems that are attacking you. But even if your problems are far greater, there is one who is a master at handling your problems, too. 

A ship does not sink because of the water that surrounds it...

Life is full of situations, that we cannot control. The first impulse in Problems is usually to want to control the situation. In many areas this makes perfect sense. For example, it's really good to react quickly when the basement is full of water. It's all about getting the problem under control.

In other situations, however, this is not really possible. It is not in your hands that your partner makes the right decisions for your relationship.

Many people are unaware of this problem: the longer the list gets of things you want to control, the more your inner stress and panic will increase.

This panic only surfaces when something “gets out of control”. Is this inner stress, panic and pain just unavoidable? With no way out?

I am convinced that the God who made you has a way out for you.

God's silent influence

One of the greatest positive influences you can have on your family, children, partner or friends is making room for God in your relationship and family.

This is the first and most important step in order to learn to let go of control. What can that look like? This is not about a meditative approach: as if everything is unimportant or the goal is detachment from all goals and human difficulties. On the contrary.

It's about discovering that in God you have a wonderful friend and advocate who fights for you, experiences your pain and stands by your side. He loves you passionately and is strong enough to help you. Only when you actively give him your burden can you be relieved of your burden. This is often necessary on a daily basis, as pain always accumulates or wells up again. If you try it without him, you either carry the burden wherever you go or you run the risk of becoming indifferent to life.

A ship does not sink because of the water that surrounds it. It sinks because of the water that gets in the ship.
Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.

You as a human being were created to master difficult situations - hand in hand with your God who fights for you. So is your child. Trust him: he fights and wins for you. That's why you don't have to be afraid of difficult situations.

Therefore, never make it your greatest goal in life not to have problems. That only brings stress.

Welcome to God's world

Everyone lives in relationships with people that are uncontrollable. Computers are predictable. Animals are in many situations quite predictable too. But humans are completely different.

In these relationships we experience what God experiences with us humans. Because he created you free, to live the way you want to. And he doesn't control you.

A chicken I can it does what all chicken do, because its instinct determines it. You as a person are different. God created you to be like himself. Therefore, you can voluntarily choose to have a relationship with him or not.

The relationships you live in are the same. Your relationship can be beautiful if your partner stays with you voluntarily. Your relationship with your children can be free and joyful when they choose to listen to you.

When you marry, you enter into a contract with someone who is unpredictable. And when you then have children, you bring little people into the world who again are one thing: completely unpredictable. You have no idea what will become of them.

Peace instead of stress: learn to parent without controlling

You can imagine as much as you want what will become of your child. But that doesn't change the fact: you can't control it. Of course you can try to control your child. However, this will bring stress into your relationship that is very destructive.

Nobody shows us who we are
and what's really inside of us, like our own children.

When we had our children, I was surprised how such a tiny person managed to create so much anger in me. It simply didn't have to do what I needed it to do or what was good for the child. Kids don't respect your boundaries as parents at all!

Until you had children, there probably wasn't someone like that in your life: someone who doesn't respect it at all when you say: "I can't take it anymore, I need a break". You have to get used to that first. Kids just keep doing what they shouln't and toddlers just throw themselves on the floor more stubborn than before.

My children really confronted me with my weaknesses. Even more than my husband. And that's really good. Because that's how growth happens. Nothing is worse than a life without growth. But then comes this realization that many parents probably have: "I love it best when everything goes my way :-)."

Letting go of control in parenting

Dany Silk describes the difference between controlling and parenting very well in his book Loving our kids on purpose.

The message we send to our children is clear: “I cannot control you. I can't control your appetite. I can't control your study habits. I can't control your respect. I can't control the tongue in your mouth. I can't control your attitude. I can't control anything from you. I can set some boundaries. I have some pretty cool tools to use when you mess up, but I want you to learn fast that your side of our relationship is yours. Your life is yours and you must learn how to live with it because there will come a day when I won't be there."

Loving our kids on purpose, p.140

There's no point trying to control your kids...it just increases stress for you and your kids. It's far better to give your kids a choice with clear boundaries.

Is your child not cleaning up their room? Sure, you can scold and get upset. And maybe you will also achieve what you want: that your child tidies up. But you haven't changed anything about your child's attitude.

The other way is: you set limits that you can live with: “Your task today is to eat this meal without fuss. If you don't do that, you'll help me clean up the kitchen for half an hour. I can live with both.”

It might make sense for you to come up with other consequences. What fits into your everyday life? Consequences where you end up paying the price are usualy bad. Consequences that last longer than a day are also difficult to overlook and keep up with.

Control yourself and the conflict, not your child or spouse

The important thing is: get the conflict situation under control, not your child or partner! Your child must then freely decide whether to continue fighting against you and the rules or whether to accept the rules.

But kids are incredibly smart. They won't constantly choose situations where they end up having to clean up for an hour.

How do you know you're in control of the situation? When you are no longer extremely stressed about the situation, but still knowthat you will reach your goal or (with your partner) will find a solution.

Wanting to be in control brings stress, especially in your marriage and parenting

If I as a person tend to want to control people, this of course applies to all relationships, including marriage. Unfortunately, controlling your spouse is no less problematic. Do you often get upset with your partner? Very often the reason is that he or she is not acting the way you want him/ her to. If you want to get out of this, you have to ask yourself: do I allow my partner to make mistakes? Is my partner allowed to be imperfect?

Here are a few questions for personal reflection:

• Am I allowed to make mistakes?
• Is my partner allowed to make mistakes?
• How afraid am I of what other people will think of me or my partner when he does something wrong?
• In everyday life, do I spend a lot of time thinking of fears of the future or sadnesses of the past?”
• I often think: If only things had gone differently back then. That was such an important day!

Did you answer yes to many of these sentences? Then tell yourself:

“Today is actually the most important day. How I live and think today determines how I evaluate and feel about the past and the future.

That decides whether my inner boat of life sinks filled with water or sails strong and safe through the storms of life.”

I hope you have a day where you bravely take new steps towards freedom. Do not give up! There is hope 🙂

Anita